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writers_loftHello! :D
I have a little story I wanted to post. And I thought I'd quite like to get some constructive critism on it. :) I've done a little header below... I wasn't sure whether it's needed but I thought I'd do it just in case. It's also posted on my journal so if someone would rather read it on there then just click on my name and it'll be the first entry. :)
Title: Red Eyes
Summary: When Tristan is taken from his home he's haunted by the message his father gave, and yearns to see whether his sister has survived the attack of his village. He is found by Lei and learns magic isn't nessisarily bad. Especially when you realise it's you're destiny.
Genre: Fantasy/Supernatural
Warnings: A very brief amount of...sexual content? And mild violence
Rating: PG
Thanks
Lucy
It was dark the day that the wizard came to the house. The small house Tristan had lived in all his eighteen years was dark. In any other case he’d have been sleeping but tonight he wasn’t.
The lightning crashed once more and he glanced outside anxiously. The shadowy figure was striding towards the small house they lived in and he knew what was happening.
“Have they come for you yet?”
“Of course not.” Tristan said urgently, “Don’t worry May it’ll be fine…”
“But… he’s a wizard.”
“I know.” Tristan said after a moment before turning round to face his younger sister. “You need to run.”
“Father said I was never to leave you…” May whispered.
“Father isn’t here to tell you otherwise May.” Tristan said softly reaching for the bag he’d hidden in one of the kitchens many cupboards and handing it over to May gently. “Travel east and head for the forest. There is a village there, they shall look after you.”
“What about you?” May asked quietly as he guided her towards the back door, “What happens if we don’t ever meet again?”
Tristan couldn’t answer that question. As brother and sister they’d not always gotten along. But they were still close and close could be and he couldn’t bear to look his sister in the eye and break her heart.
So he was as quiet as he heard the beginnings of his sisters tears. The reasoning inside him was blowing away the reason of false hope, but the last thing he wanted to do was upset his sister more.
“I cannot promise that I won’t be killed.” Tristan whispered “But I can promise to try and find you when this is all over.”
He wiped away the tears that was making it’s way down his sisters cheek and kissed her forehead. The door began to rumble as it was almost broke down into pieces and Tristan had to push his sister out of the door so she wouldn’t be seen.
The last thing he remembered of his sister on that night was her whispering that she would never lose hope of him coming. And that she knew they would meet again once again. Her eyes were large and red and she tearfully ran out of the back door and into the darkness.
The doors to the small cottage came bursting down and Tristan stood still for a second. He wanted the peace and quiet not to end, just for once. He needed a moment where all the screaming would stop, where the guilt he carried over him would vanish.
That moment never came.
The footsteps came knocking and creaking on the floorboards as he almost glided into the room. Tristan did his best not to turn around until the very last moment, his fathers words coming into his head.
“Don’t look into his eyes…”
His body flopped, and he fell. His vision blurred and he fell into the darkness…
*****
He woke up in a room. He didn’t know where, but it was dimly lit wherever it was. And rather uncomfortable. A cold very hard piece of rock was digging into his skin so Tristan removed it. Of course it wasn’t much better after he’d done that, it seemed that the days for sleeping in beds had long gone.
Tristan sat up and rubbed his arms against the cold, it was here when two yellow eyes stared back at him. He jumped up from the floor and squinted slightly as he looked down at what appeared to be some kind of dwarf like creature.
“Hello?”
“Hello.” a girls voice rang out and Tristan blinked slightly as he tried to focus on her. He could see that she had long golden hair and a pale face, but every time he tried to look into her eyes his head automatically turned away.
“Who are you?” Tristan asked looking down at the floor, “Do forgive me, but I can’t look at you properly.”
“That would be because of this.” the girl replied taking off a bracelet. The moment she did this Tristan found himself being able to look at her, just like he would any other person. “Don’t look so afraid, I’m hardly going to hurt you. I’m Lei by the way.”
“Unusual name for a girl.” Tristan replied watching as Lei got herself up from the floor and walked over to a bowl. She poured some water into a bowl and walked back over to him before letting him drink from it.
“It’s from the spring,” Lei said, “I find it to be a lot more tasty than the water they serve in the palace.”
“Palace? What palace?” Tristan asked watching as Lei walked over to the metal doors. She held her hand over the side of the lock and whispered something quietly, there was a few small sparks and the door opened.
“I don’t have time to explain now Tristan. Get your things and hurry..”
“But how did you…” Tristan started.
“Hurry! If they find us they‘ll kill you. Now come on!”
Tristan did as he was told. He didn’t understand why he was suddenly trusting this girl before him but he’d quickly picked up what he could see was his and walked out the door. He felt Lei taking his hand and found himself running down a darkened passage. The only light coming from the candles attached onto the wall.
“Where are we going?” Tristan asked.
“Shh…” Lei said pulling him into the corner of one of the walls and stepped deeper into the shadows.
Tristan was about to ask another question when he heard footsteps. Whoever it was walking down was quickly and as he saw black boots appearing in front of the corner they were in he heard Lei whisper something else. Tristan blinked slightly as he saw what looked to be a guard fall down in front of them and followed Lei from out of the corner.
“What did you just do?”
“Oh I wouldn’t worry.” Lei said looking over her shoulder at him her long black hair flowing down the side of her back. “He’s just knocked out. You’ll learn how to do it as well one day.”
Tristan grimaced slightly at the thought of using magic. The remembrance of what had happened to his father coming back and full memory of his sisters escape. He dearly hoped he’d gotten her out of the cottage in time.
“You do want to learn magic don’t you?” Lei asked.
“I have spent my whole life against magic.” Tristan said looking towards her, “You shouldn’t be using it. Now will you please tell me what’s going on, because if I’m going to be looking any wizards in the eyes soon then I would really rather…”
“There aren’t any wizards around here Tristan. None that will find you.” she said putting the bracelet on him once again, “I know you’re confused now. And I know you hate your mother for naming you with magic…”
“My mother did what?” Tristan asked.
“She named you as magic.” Lei took his arm and walked up the corridor quickly. “which means you are just going to have to trust me. Once we get into the…”
“No what do you mean named me as magic?”
Lei looked around and pulled him towards the bricks on the wall. She gave him a look and lifted her hands in the air slowly parting them away from each other. Tristan blinked, and the bricks began parting in the same direction as her hands. Tristan was about to open his mouth and ask another question when she pulled him into the wall and closed the bricks once again.
“There are two kinds of magic Tristan, natural magic and studied magic. You and I are both born with it because our mothers named us as that.” Lei replied looking at him, “It’s not important why she did it, it just means you have to come with me. To my home and hide until the guards have left the city. Then we can venture out of it ourselves, find your sister and make your destiny come tr…”
“You know about my sister? Did she get to the…”
“She is quite safe I assure you.” Lei replied walking down the stairs they’d come to. “I was told to tell you that you would see her again…”
“Where is she Lei?” Tristan whispered grabbing onto her arm, “If she’s hurt I swear I’ll…”
“Tristan stop worrying.” Lei said softly looking straight into his eyes, “You don’t need worry about her. She’s alive and safe… look this is difficult to explain here. When we get there I promise I’ll explain everything to you.”
Tristan barely had a chance to nod as Lei carried on walking down the staircase. He didn’t know how much longer it would take for them to get to where they were going, but he didn’t think that they were in for a brisk five minute walk.
It seemed it may well take much longer than that…
*****
The fire was cold. It’s large blue flames encased themselves around the figures inside the flame. A drumming could be heard from the inside of the forest. Shouts and screams of humanoid beings as they ran for their lives. The fire flickered slightly and he reached out his hand to touch it, no burn came to his hand as he touched it. Tristan could feel something inside it, something ticking, something metal and cold matching the fires flames.
He closed his eyes tightly and grasped the ticking object and pulled it out of the fire.
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…
A fob watch. He was holding a fob watch.
“Your time is coming Tristan… you must be prepared.”
The low female voice didn’t startle him. He turned around as he saw a figure gliding towards him out of the dark. Her colour matching the one of the fire, she was cold when she took his hand.
Tristan shivered…
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…
The woman flowed around him slowly. The feel of her skin against his sending waves of electricity over his skin. Her hum was soft in his ear as her hands ran down his chest, just when he thought she had stopped her explorations she stopped in front of him. Her pale white eyes looking into his own. She was so close to him, it was almost as if he could feel breath on his face.
Pictures began to flow around the pupils of her eyes, the reflection of the fire being one of them.
It was then that it happened, that the burning pain seared through his head as what felt like large white hot burns gorged into his skin. The figures fingers glazed over his face, tilting his head up towards her own. The flames inside her eyes were changing colour. Yellow to orange, orange to red…
“Don’t look into they’re eyes…..”
“Tristan!!!”
Tristan sat up in bed. It was night in the forest. Lei had lead him away from the castle when they’d reached the end of the staircase and they’d wound up here, in a small forest village.
He was sweating as he looked up at Lei. They’d arrived at these quarters hours before hand and now he was sitting on one of the camp beds that appeared to have been made.
“Are you alright? I could hear you from my post…”
“Yeah…” Tristan whispered rubbing his head slightly and looking up at Lei, “Please tell me what’s going on now Lei...why have you brought me here? What‘s all this about magic and…eyes…”
“Eyes?” Lei asked looking at him, “What are you talking about?”
“I keep seeing eyes. It happened when I… I don’t even know what happened at first. And then I saw this woman in my dream… her eyes were so red…”
“Shh…” Lei said softly putting her finger on his lips and smiling down at him, “It’s probably just your talents. Magic does funny things in it’s early stages.”
Tristan was quiet as she lay down beside him. There was something about her presence when he was around her that calmed him. Nor did he understand why he’d suddenly trusted her when they’d met merely hours before.
“The magic was banned from this kingdom years ago because of a loss. I don’t know what that loss was but whatever happened angered the king and he banished magic from ever being used again. So my family fled from the over ground of this city and has lived in the forest ever since. The kingdom was ordered to tell everyone that magic was a bad thing, but even the stories they told couldn’t vanquish sorcerers from being born…”
“Oh don’t say it…” Tristan said looking at her, “Please don’t tell me what I think you’re going to…”
“A sorcerer is only one if they’re mother decides it. It’s how everyone in this world is born, only half the people don’t know about it because it’s never mentioned to those in the city…”
“You mean everyone with a talent is named that at birth?”
“Why do you think artists draw or bakers bake?” Lei said looking at him, “They don’t choose that they’re mothers do. They’re destiny is written in the stars and they’re mothers just know it. You’re mother named you as magic because it’s your destiny Tristan. You‘re the sorcerer that…” Lei said softly looking at him.
“My mother never told me any of this… she always said that magic was a bad thing. She taught me to hate it…”
“She was trying to protect you until now. Tristan people in the palace know who you are, that’s why your village was attacked. That’s why I got you out of that dungeon. But you have to trust me… you have to do as I say.”
“Which is what?” Tristan whispered.
“You must fulfil your destiny and become the sorcerer you were born to be. Only then will this world be saved.”
Tristan watched his new friend carefully for a moment. Everything was beginning to make sense, everything that he’d witnessed in the last twenty four hours. He closed his eyes and looked up at the stars.
“I suppose there’s no turning back now.” he sighed looking at her, “Those stars better be right…”
Lei could only smile.
I have a little story I wanted to post. And I thought I'd quite like to get some constructive critism on it. :) I've done a little header below... I wasn't sure whether it's needed but I thought I'd do it just in case. It's also posted on my journal so if someone would rather read it on there then just click on my name and it'll be the first entry. :)
Title: Red Eyes
Summary: When Tristan is taken from his home he's haunted by the message his father gave, and yearns to see whether his sister has survived the attack of his village. He is found by Lei and learns magic isn't nessisarily bad. Especially when you realise it's you're destiny.
Genre: Fantasy/Supernatural
Warnings: A very brief amount of...sexual content? And mild violence
Rating: PG
Thanks
Lucy
It was dark the day that the wizard came to the house. The small house Tristan had lived in all his eighteen years was dark. In any other case he’d have been sleeping but tonight he wasn’t.
The lightning crashed once more and he glanced outside anxiously. The shadowy figure was striding towards the small house they lived in and he knew what was happening.
“Have they come for you yet?”
“Of course not.” Tristan said urgently, “Don’t worry May it’ll be fine…”
“But… he’s a wizard.”
“I know.” Tristan said after a moment before turning round to face his younger sister. “You need to run.”
“Father said I was never to leave you…” May whispered.
“Father isn’t here to tell you otherwise May.” Tristan said softly reaching for the bag he’d hidden in one of the kitchens many cupboards and handing it over to May gently. “Travel east and head for the forest. There is a village there, they shall look after you.”
“What about you?” May asked quietly as he guided her towards the back door, “What happens if we don’t ever meet again?”
Tristan couldn’t answer that question. As brother and sister they’d not always gotten along. But they were still close and close could be and he couldn’t bear to look his sister in the eye and break her heart.
So he was as quiet as he heard the beginnings of his sisters tears. The reasoning inside him was blowing away the reason of false hope, but the last thing he wanted to do was upset his sister more.
“I cannot promise that I won’t be killed.” Tristan whispered “But I can promise to try and find you when this is all over.”
He wiped away the tears that was making it’s way down his sisters cheek and kissed her forehead. The door began to rumble as it was almost broke down into pieces and Tristan had to push his sister out of the door so she wouldn’t be seen.
The last thing he remembered of his sister on that night was her whispering that she would never lose hope of him coming. And that she knew they would meet again once again. Her eyes were large and red and she tearfully ran out of the back door and into the darkness.
The doors to the small cottage came bursting down and Tristan stood still for a second. He wanted the peace and quiet not to end, just for once. He needed a moment where all the screaming would stop, where the guilt he carried over him would vanish.
That moment never came.
The footsteps came knocking and creaking on the floorboards as he almost glided into the room. Tristan did his best not to turn around until the very last moment, his fathers words coming into his head.
“Don’t look into his eyes…”
His body flopped, and he fell. His vision blurred and he fell into the darkness…
*****
He woke up in a room. He didn’t know where, but it was dimly lit wherever it was. And rather uncomfortable. A cold very hard piece of rock was digging into his skin so Tristan removed it. Of course it wasn’t much better after he’d done that, it seemed that the days for sleeping in beds had long gone.
Tristan sat up and rubbed his arms against the cold, it was here when two yellow eyes stared back at him. He jumped up from the floor and squinted slightly as he looked down at what appeared to be some kind of dwarf like creature.
“Hello?”
“Hello.” a girls voice rang out and Tristan blinked slightly as he tried to focus on her. He could see that she had long golden hair and a pale face, but every time he tried to look into her eyes his head automatically turned away.
“Who are you?” Tristan asked looking down at the floor, “Do forgive me, but I can’t look at you properly.”
“That would be because of this.” the girl replied taking off a bracelet. The moment she did this Tristan found himself being able to look at her, just like he would any other person. “Don’t look so afraid, I’m hardly going to hurt you. I’m Lei by the way.”
“Unusual name for a girl.” Tristan replied watching as Lei got herself up from the floor and walked over to a bowl. She poured some water into a bowl and walked back over to him before letting him drink from it.
“It’s from the spring,” Lei said, “I find it to be a lot more tasty than the water they serve in the palace.”
“Palace? What palace?” Tristan asked watching as Lei walked over to the metal doors. She held her hand over the side of the lock and whispered something quietly, there was a few small sparks and the door opened.
“I don’t have time to explain now Tristan. Get your things and hurry..”
“But how did you…” Tristan started.
“Hurry! If they find us they‘ll kill you. Now come on!”
Tristan did as he was told. He didn’t understand why he was suddenly trusting this girl before him but he’d quickly picked up what he could see was his and walked out the door. He felt Lei taking his hand and found himself running down a darkened passage. The only light coming from the candles attached onto the wall.
“Where are we going?” Tristan asked.
“Shh…” Lei said pulling him into the corner of one of the walls and stepped deeper into the shadows.
Tristan was about to ask another question when he heard footsteps. Whoever it was walking down was quickly and as he saw black boots appearing in front of the corner they were in he heard Lei whisper something else. Tristan blinked slightly as he saw what looked to be a guard fall down in front of them and followed Lei from out of the corner.
“What did you just do?”
“Oh I wouldn’t worry.” Lei said looking over her shoulder at him her long black hair flowing down the side of her back. “He’s just knocked out. You’ll learn how to do it as well one day.”
Tristan grimaced slightly at the thought of using magic. The remembrance of what had happened to his father coming back and full memory of his sisters escape. He dearly hoped he’d gotten her out of the cottage in time.
“You do want to learn magic don’t you?” Lei asked.
“I have spent my whole life against magic.” Tristan said looking towards her, “You shouldn’t be using it. Now will you please tell me what’s going on, because if I’m going to be looking any wizards in the eyes soon then I would really rather…”
“There aren’t any wizards around here Tristan. None that will find you.” she said putting the bracelet on him once again, “I know you’re confused now. And I know you hate your mother for naming you with magic…”
“My mother did what?” Tristan asked.
“She named you as magic.” Lei took his arm and walked up the corridor quickly. “which means you are just going to have to trust me. Once we get into the…”
“No what do you mean named me as magic?”
Lei looked around and pulled him towards the bricks on the wall. She gave him a look and lifted her hands in the air slowly parting them away from each other. Tristan blinked, and the bricks began parting in the same direction as her hands. Tristan was about to open his mouth and ask another question when she pulled him into the wall and closed the bricks once again.
“There are two kinds of magic Tristan, natural magic and studied magic. You and I are both born with it because our mothers named us as that.” Lei replied looking at him, “It’s not important why she did it, it just means you have to come with me. To my home and hide until the guards have left the city. Then we can venture out of it ourselves, find your sister and make your destiny come tr…”
“You know about my sister? Did she get to the…”
“She is quite safe I assure you.” Lei replied walking down the stairs they’d come to. “I was told to tell you that you would see her again…”
“Where is she Lei?” Tristan whispered grabbing onto her arm, “If she’s hurt I swear I’ll…”
“Tristan stop worrying.” Lei said softly looking straight into his eyes, “You don’t need worry about her. She’s alive and safe… look this is difficult to explain here. When we get there I promise I’ll explain everything to you.”
Tristan barely had a chance to nod as Lei carried on walking down the staircase. He didn’t know how much longer it would take for them to get to where they were going, but he didn’t think that they were in for a brisk five minute walk.
It seemed it may well take much longer than that…
*****
The fire was cold. It’s large blue flames encased themselves around the figures inside the flame. A drumming could be heard from the inside of the forest. Shouts and screams of humanoid beings as they ran for their lives. The fire flickered slightly and he reached out his hand to touch it, no burn came to his hand as he touched it. Tristan could feel something inside it, something ticking, something metal and cold matching the fires flames.
He closed his eyes tightly and grasped the ticking object and pulled it out of the fire.
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…
A fob watch. He was holding a fob watch.
“Your time is coming Tristan… you must be prepared.”
The low female voice didn’t startle him. He turned around as he saw a figure gliding towards him out of the dark. Her colour matching the one of the fire, she was cold when she took his hand.
Tristan shivered…
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…
The woman flowed around him slowly. The feel of her skin against his sending waves of electricity over his skin. Her hum was soft in his ear as her hands ran down his chest, just when he thought she had stopped her explorations she stopped in front of him. Her pale white eyes looking into his own. She was so close to him, it was almost as if he could feel breath on his face.
Pictures began to flow around the pupils of her eyes, the reflection of the fire being one of them.
It was then that it happened, that the burning pain seared through his head as what felt like large white hot burns gorged into his skin. The figures fingers glazed over his face, tilting his head up towards her own. The flames inside her eyes were changing colour. Yellow to orange, orange to red…
“Don’t look into they’re eyes…..”
“Tristan!!!”
Tristan sat up in bed. It was night in the forest. Lei had lead him away from the castle when they’d reached the end of the staircase and they’d wound up here, in a small forest village.
He was sweating as he looked up at Lei. They’d arrived at these quarters hours before hand and now he was sitting on one of the camp beds that appeared to have been made.
“Are you alright? I could hear you from my post…”
“Yeah…” Tristan whispered rubbing his head slightly and looking up at Lei, “Please tell me what’s going on now Lei...why have you brought me here? What‘s all this about magic and…eyes…”
“Eyes?” Lei asked looking at him, “What are you talking about?”
“I keep seeing eyes. It happened when I… I don’t even know what happened at first. And then I saw this woman in my dream… her eyes were so red…”
“Shh…” Lei said softly putting her finger on his lips and smiling down at him, “It’s probably just your talents. Magic does funny things in it’s early stages.”
Tristan was quiet as she lay down beside him. There was something about her presence when he was around her that calmed him. Nor did he understand why he’d suddenly trusted her when they’d met merely hours before.
“The magic was banned from this kingdom years ago because of a loss. I don’t know what that loss was but whatever happened angered the king and he banished magic from ever being used again. So my family fled from the over ground of this city and has lived in the forest ever since. The kingdom was ordered to tell everyone that magic was a bad thing, but even the stories they told couldn’t vanquish sorcerers from being born…”
“Oh don’t say it…” Tristan said looking at her, “Please don’t tell me what I think you’re going to…”
“A sorcerer is only one if they’re mother decides it. It’s how everyone in this world is born, only half the people don’t know about it because it’s never mentioned to those in the city…”
“You mean everyone with a talent is named that at birth?”
“Why do you think artists draw or bakers bake?” Lei said looking at him, “They don’t choose that they’re mothers do. They’re destiny is written in the stars and they’re mothers just know it. You’re mother named you as magic because it’s your destiny Tristan. You‘re the sorcerer that…” Lei said softly looking at him.
“My mother never told me any of this… she always said that magic was a bad thing. She taught me to hate it…”
“She was trying to protect you until now. Tristan people in the palace know who you are, that’s why your village was attacked. That’s why I got you out of that dungeon. But you have to trust me… you have to do as I say.”
“Which is what?” Tristan whispered.
“You must fulfil your destiny and become the sorcerer you were born to be. Only then will this world be saved.”
Tristan watched his new friend carefully for a moment. Everything was beginning to make sense, everything that he’d witnessed in the last twenty four hours. He closed his eyes and looked up at the stars.
“I suppose there’s no turning back now.” he sighed looking at her, “Those stars better be right…”
Lei could only smile.
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no subject
Date: 2009-12-18 11:31 pm (UTC)I should have read it more carefully before I posted it. It's okay if you don't like it, I don't mind that. I'm just trying to improve my writing skills.
Which part of the plot didn't make sense to you? My friend who I wrote it for read it and it made complete sense to her. 0_o
I'm not saying anyone is wrong of course, I'm just trying to work out what it is you're saying so I can edit it and hopefully make it better.
I agree that grammar isn't my strong point. I know that, that's why I'm trying to improve.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-19 12:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-19 12:24 am (UTC)That was the intent anyway.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-19 12:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-19 12:39 am (UTC)And I don't tend to write in a more classical way. I tend to prefer it if things get straight into the action, but that's just a personal preference. :)
Thanks for replying and pointing things out to me all the same though. I think you have a point and I will certainly take what you've said and use it in some way.
How else will I learn?