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writers_loftHello! :D
I have a little story I wanted to post. And I thought I'd quite like to get some constructive critism on it. :) I've done a little header below... I wasn't sure whether it's needed but I thought I'd do it just in case. It's also posted on my journal so if someone would rather read it on there then just click on my name and it'll be the first entry. :)
Title: Red Eyes
Summary: When Tristan is taken from his home he's haunted by the message his father gave, and yearns to see whether his sister has survived the attack of his village. He is found by Lei and learns magic isn't nessisarily bad. Especially when you realise it's you're destiny.
Genre: Fantasy/Supernatural
Warnings: A very brief amount of...sexual content? And mild violence
Rating: PG
Thanks
Lucy
It was dark the day that the wizard came to the house. The small house Tristan had lived in all his eighteen years was dark. In any other case he’d have been sleeping but tonight he wasn’t.
The lightning crashed once more and he glanced outside anxiously. The shadowy figure was striding towards the small house they lived in and he knew what was happening.
“Have they come for you yet?”
“Of course not.” Tristan said urgently, “Don’t worry May it’ll be fine…”
“But… he’s a wizard.”
“I know.” Tristan said after a moment before turning round to face his younger sister. “You need to run.”
“Father said I was never to leave you…” May whispered.
“Father isn’t here to tell you otherwise May.” Tristan said softly reaching for the bag he’d hidden in one of the kitchens many cupboards and handing it over to May gently. “Travel east and head for the forest. There is a village there, they shall look after you.”
“What about you?” May asked quietly as he guided her towards the back door, “What happens if we don’t ever meet again?”
Tristan couldn’t answer that question. As brother and sister they’d not always gotten along. But they were still close and close could be and he couldn’t bear to look his sister in the eye and break her heart.
So he was as quiet as he heard the beginnings of his sisters tears. The reasoning inside him was blowing away the reason of false hope, but the last thing he wanted to do was upset his sister more.
“I cannot promise that I won’t be killed.” Tristan whispered “But I can promise to try and find you when this is all over.”
He wiped away the tears that was making it’s way down his sisters cheek and kissed her forehead. The door began to rumble as it was almost broke down into pieces and Tristan had to push his sister out of the door so she wouldn’t be seen.
The last thing he remembered of his sister on that night was her whispering that she would never lose hope of him coming. And that she knew they would meet again once again. Her eyes were large and red and she tearfully ran out of the back door and into the darkness.
The doors to the small cottage came bursting down and Tristan stood still for a second. He wanted the peace and quiet not to end, just for once. He needed a moment where all the screaming would stop, where the guilt he carried over him would vanish.
That moment never came.
The footsteps came knocking and creaking on the floorboards as he almost glided into the room. Tristan did his best not to turn around until the very last moment, his fathers words coming into his head.
“Don’t look into his eyes…”
His body flopped, and he fell. His vision blurred and he fell into the darkness…
*****
He woke up in a room. He didn’t know where, but it was dimly lit wherever it was. And rather uncomfortable. A cold very hard piece of rock was digging into his skin so Tristan removed it. Of course it wasn’t much better after he’d done that, it seemed that the days for sleeping in beds had long gone.
Tristan sat up and rubbed his arms against the cold, it was here when two yellow eyes stared back at him. He jumped up from the floor and squinted slightly as he looked down at what appeared to be some kind of dwarf like creature.
“Hello?”
“Hello.” a girls voice rang out and Tristan blinked slightly as he tried to focus on her. He could see that she had long golden hair and a pale face, but every time he tried to look into her eyes his head automatically turned away.
“Who are you?” Tristan asked looking down at the floor, “Do forgive me, but I can’t look at you properly.”
“That would be because of this.” the girl replied taking off a bracelet. The moment she did this Tristan found himself being able to look at her, just like he would any other person. “Don’t look so afraid, I’m hardly going to hurt you. I’m Lei by the way.”
“Unusual name for a girl.” Tristan replied watching as Lei got herself up from the floor and walked over to a bowl. She poured some water into a bowl and walked back over to him before letting him drink from it.
“It’s from the spring,” Lei said, “I find it to be a lot more tasty than the water they serve in the palace.”
“Palace? What palace?” Tristan asked watching as Lei walked over to the metal doors. She held her hand over the side of the lock and whispered something quietly, there was a few small sparks and the door opened.
“I don’t have time to explain now Tristan. Get your things and hurry..”
“But how did you…” Tristan started.
“Hurry! If they find us they‘ll kill you. Now come on!”
Tristan did as he was told. He didn’t understand why he was suddenly trusting this girl before him but he’d quickly picked up what he could see was his and walked out the door. He felt Lei taking his hand and found himself running down a darkened passage. The only light coming from the candles attached onto the wall.
“Where are we going?” Tristan asked.
“Shh…” Lei said pulling him into the corner of one of the walls and stepped deeper into the shadows.
Tristan was about to ask another question when he heard footsteps. Whoever it was walking down was quickly and as he saw black boots appearing in front of the corner they were in he heard Lei whisper something else. Tristan blinked slightly as he saw what looked to be a guard fall down in front of them and followed Lei from out of the corner.
“What did you just do?”
“Oh I wouldn’t worry.” Lei said looking over her shoulder at him her long black hair flowing down the side of her back. “He’s just knocked out. You’ll learn how to do it as well one day.”
Tristan grimaced slightly at the thought of using magic. The remembrance of what had happened to his father coming back and full memory of his sisters escape. He dearly hoped he’d gotten her out of the cottage in time.
“You do want to learn magic don’t you?” Lei asked.
“I have spent my whole life against magic.” Tristan said looking towards her, “You shouldn’t be using it. Now will you please tell me what’s going on, because if I’m going to be looking any wizards in the eyes soon then I would really rather…”
“There aren’t any wizards around here Tristan. None that will find you.” she said putting the bracelet on him once again, “I know you’re confused now. And I know you hate your mother for naming you with magic…”
“My mother did what?” Tristan asked.
“She named you as magic.” Lei took his arm and walked up the corridor quickly. “which means you are just going to have to trust me. Once we get into the…”
“No what do you mean named me as magic?”
Lei looked around and pulled him towards the bricks on the wall. She gave him a look and lifted her hands in the air slowly parting them away from each other. Tristan blinked, and the bricks began parting in the same direction as her hands. Tristan was about to open his mouth and ask another question when she pulled him into the wall and closed the bricks once again.
“There are two kinds of magic Tristan, natural magic and studied magic. You and I are both born with it because our mothers named us as that.” Lei replied looking at him, “It’s not important why she did it, it just means you have to come with me. To my home and hide until the guards have left the city. Then we can venture out of it ourselves, find your sister and make your destiny come tr…”
“You know about my sister? Did she get to the…”
“She is quite safe I assure you.” Lei replied walking down the stairs they’d come to. “I was told to tell you that you would see her again…”
“Where is she Lei?” Tristan whispered grabbing onto her arm, “If she’s hurt I swear I’ll…”
“Tristan stop worrying.” Lei said softly looking straight into his eyes, “You don’t need worry about her. She’s alive and safe… look this is difficult to explain here. When we get there I promise I’ll explain everything to you.”
Tristan barely had a chance to nod as Lei carried on walking down the staircase. He didn’t know how much longer it would take for them to get to where they were going, but he didn’t think that they were in for a brisk five minute walk.
It seemed it may well take much longer than that…
*****
The fire was cold. It’s large blue flames encased themselves around the figures inside the flame. A drumming could be heard from the inside of the forest. Shouts and screams of humanoid beings as they ran for their lives. The fire flickered slightly and he reached out his hand to touch it, no burn came to his hand as he touched it. Tristan could feel something inside it, something ticking, something metal and cold matching the fires flames.
He closed his eyes tightly and grasped the ticking object and pulled it out of the fire.
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…
A fob watch. He was holding a fob watch.
“Your time is coming Tristan… you must be prepared.”
The low female voice didn’t startle him. He turned around as he saw a figure gliding towards him out of the dark. Her colour matching the one of the fire, she was cold when she took his hand.
Tristan shivered…
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…
The woman flowed around him slowly. The feel of her skin against his sending waves of electricity over his skin. Her hum was soft in his ear as her hands ran down his chest, just when he thought she had stopped her explorations she stopped in front of him. Her pale white eyes looking into his own. She was so close to him, it was almost as if he could feel breath on his face.
Pictures began to flow around the pupils of her eyes, the reflection of the fire being one of them.
It was then that it happened, that the burning pain seared through his head as what felt like large white hot burns gorged into his skin. The figures fingers glazed over his face, tilting his head up towards her own. The flames inside her eyes were changing colour. Yellow to orange, orange to red…
“Don’t look into they’re eyes…..”
“Tristan!!!”
Tristan sat up in bed. It was night in the forest. Lei had lead him away from the castle when they’d reached the end of the staircase and they’d wound up here, in a small forest village.
He was sweating as he looked up at Lei. They’d arrived at these quarters hours before hand and now he was sitting on one of the camp beds that appeared to have been made.
“Are you alright? I could hear you from my post…”
“Yeah…” Tristan whispered rubbing his head slightly and looking up at Lei, “Please tell me what’s going on now Lei...why have you brought me here? What‘s all this about magic and…eyes…”
“Eyes?” Lei asked looking at him, “What are you talking about?”
“I keep seeing eyes. It happened when I… I don’t even know what happened at first. And then I saw this woman in my dream… her eyes were so red…”
“Shh…” Lei said softly putting her finger on his lips and smiling down at him, “It’s probably just your talents. Magic does funny things in it’s early stages.”
Tristan was quiet as she lay down beside him. There was something about her presence when he was around her that calmed him. Nor did he understand why he’d suddenly trusted her when they’d met merely hours before.
“The magic was banned from this kingdom years ago because of a loss. I don’t know what that loss was but whatever happened angered the king and he banished magic from ever being used again. So my family fled from the over ground of this city and has lived in the forest ever since. The kingdom was ordered to tell everyone that magic was a bad thing, but even the stories they told couldn’t vanquish sorcerers from being born…”
“Oh don’t say it…” Tristan said looking at her, “Please don’t tell me what I think you’re going to…”
“A sorcerer is only one if they’re mother decides it. It’s how everyone in this world is born, only half the people don’t know about it because it’s never mentioned to those in the city…”
“You mean everyone with a talent is named that at birth?”
“Why do you think artists draw or bakers bake?” Lei said looking at him, “They don’t choose that they’re mothers do. They’re destiny is written in the stars and they’re mothers just know it. You’re mother named you as magic because it’s your destiny Tristan. You‘re the sorcerer that…” Lei said softly looking at him.
“My mother never told me any of this… she always said that magic was a bad thing. She taught me to hate it…”
“She was trying to protect you until now. Tristan people in the palace know who you are, that’s why your village was attacked. That’s why I got you out of that dungeon. But you have to trust me… you have to do as I say.”
“Which is what?” Tristan whispered.
“You must fulfil your destiny and become the sorcerer you were born to be. Only then will this world be saved.”
Tristan watched his new friend carefully for a moment. Everything was beginning to make sense, everything that he’d witnessed in the last twenty four hours. He closed his eyes and looked up at the stars.
“I suppose there’s no turning back now.” he sighed looking at her, “Those stars better be right…”
Lei could only smile.
I have a little story I wanted to post. And I thought I'd quite like to get some constructive critism on it. :) I've done a little header below... I wasn't sure whether it's needed but I thought I'd do it just in case. It's also posted on my journal so if someone would rather read it on there then just click on my name and it'll be the first entry. :)
Title: Red Eyes
Summary: When Tristan is taken from his home he's haunted by the message his father gave, and yearns to see whether his sister has survived the attack of his village. He is found by Lei and learns magic isn't nessisarily bad. Especially when you realise it's you're destiny.
Genre: Fantasy/Supernatural
Warnings: A very brief amount of...sexual content? And mild violence
Rating: PG
Thanks
Lucy
It was dark the day that the wizard came to the house. The small house Tristan had lived in all his eighteen years was dark. In any other case he’d have been sleeping but tonight he wasn’t.
The lightning crashed once more and he glanced outside anxiously. The shadowy figure was striding towards the small house they lived in and he knew what was happening.
“Have they come for you yet?”
“Of course not.” Tristan said urgently, “Don’t worry May it’ll be fine…”
“But… he’s a wizard.”
“I know.” Tristan said after a moment before turning round to face his younger sister. “You need to run.”
“Father said I was never to leave you…” May whispered.
“Father isn’t here to tell you otherwise May.” Tristan said softly reaching for the bag he’d hidden in one of the kitchens many cupboards and handing it over to May gently. “Travel east and head for the forest. There is a village there, they shall look after you.”
“What about you?” May asked quietly as he guided her towards the back door, “What happens if we don’t ever meet again?”
Tristan couldn’t answer that question. As brother and sister they’d not always gotten along. But they were still close and close could be and he couldn’t bear to look his sister in the eye and break her heart.
So he was as quiet as he heard the beginnings of his sisters tears. The reasoning inside him was blowing away the reason of false hope, but the last thing he wanted to do was upset his sister more.
“I cannot promise that I won’t be killed.” Tristan whispered “But I can promise to try and find you when this is all over.”
He wiped away the tears that was making it’s way down his sisters cheek and kissed her forehead. The door began to rumble as it was almost broke down into pieces and Tristan had to push his sister out of the door so she wouldn’t be seen.
The last thing he remembered of his sister on that night was her whispering that she would never lose hope of him coming. And that she knew they would meet again once again. Her eyes were large and red and she tearfully ran out of the back door and into the darkness.
The doors to the small cottage came bursting down and Tristan stood still for a second. He wanted the peace and quiet not to end, just for once. He needed a moment where all the screaming would stop, where the guilt he carried over him would vanish.
That moment never came.
The footsteps came knocking and creaking on the floorboards as he almost glided into the room. Tristan did his best not to turn around until the very last moment, his fathers words coming into his head.
“Don’t look into his eyes…”
His body flopped, and he fell. His vision blurred and he fell into the darkness…
*****
He woke up in a room. He didn’t know where, but it was dimly lit wherever it was. And rather uncomfortable. A cold very hard piece of rock was digging into his skin so Tristan removed it. Of course it wasn’t much better after he’d done that, it seemed that the days for sleeping in beds had long gone.
Tristan sat up and rubbed his arms against the cold, it was here when two yellow eyes stared back at him. He jumped up from the floor and squinted slightly as he looked down at what appeared to be some kind of dwarf like creature.
“Hello?”
“Hello.” a girls voice rang out and Tristan blinked slightly as he tried to focus on her. He could see that she had long golden hair and a pale face, but every time he tried to look into her eyes his head automatically turned away.
“Who are you?” Tristan asked looking down at the floor, “Do forgive me, but I can’t look at you properly.”
“That would be because of this.” the girl replied taking off a bracelet. The moment she did this Tristan found himself being able to look at her, just like he would any other person. “Don’t look so afraid, I’m hardly going to hurt you. I’m Lei by the way.”
“Unusual name for a girl.” Tristan replied watching as Lei got herself up from the floor and walked over to a bowl. She poured some water into a bowl and walked back over to him before letting him drink from it.
“It’s from the spring,” Lei said, “I find it to be a lot more tasty than the water they serve in the palace.”
“Palace? What palace?” Tristan asked watching as Lei walked over to the metal doors. She held her hand over the side of the lock and whispered something quietly, there was a few small sparks and the door opened.
“I don’t have time to explain now Tristan. Get your things and hurry..”
“But how did you…” Tristan started.
“Hurry! If they find us they‘ll kill you. Now come on!”
Tristan did as he was told. He didn’t understand why he was suddenly trusting this girl before him but he’d quickly picked up what he could see was his and walked out the door. He felt Lei taking his hand and found himself running down a darkened passage. The only light coming from the candles attached onto the wall.
“Where are we going?” Tristan asked.
“Shh…” Lei said pulling him into the corner of one of the walls and stepped deeper into the shadows.
Tristan was about to ask another question when he heard footsteps. Whoever it was walking down was quickly and as he saw black boots appearing in front of the corner they were in he heard Lei whisper something else. Tristan blinked slightly as he saw what looked to be a guard fall down in front of them and followed Lei from out of the corner.
“What did you just do?”
“Oh I wouldn’t worry.” Lei said looking over her shoulder at him her long black hair flowing down the side of her back. “He’s just knocked out. You’ll learn how to do it as well one day.”
Tristan grimaced slightly at the thought of using magic. The remembrance of what had happened to his father coming back and full memory of his sisters escape. He dearly hoped he’d gotten her out of the cottage in time.
“You do want to learn magic don’t you?” Lei asked.
“I have spent my whole life against magic.” Tristan said looking towards her, “You shouldn’t be using it. Now will you please tell me what’s going on, because if I’m going to be looking any wizards in the eyes soon then I would really rather…”
“There aren’t any wizards around here Tristan. None that will find you.” she said putting the bracelet on him once again, “I know you’re confused now. And I know you hate your mother for naming you with magic…”
“My mother did what?” Tristan asked.
“She named you as magic.” Lei took his arm and walked up the corridor quickly. “which means you are just going to have to trust me. Once we get into the…”
“No what do you mean named me as magic?”
Lei looked around and pulled him towards the bricks on the wall. She gave him a look and lifted her hands in the air slowly parting them away from each other. Tristan blinked, and the bricks began parting in the same direction as her hands. Tristan was about to open his mouth and ask another question when she pulled him into the wall and closed the bricks once again.
“There are two kinds of magic Tristan, natural magic and studied magic. You and I are both born with it because our mothers named us as that.” Lei replied looking at him, “It’s not important why she did it, it just means you have to come with me. To my home and hide until the guards have left the city. Then we can venture out of it ourselves, find your sister and make your destiny come tr…”
“You know about my sister? Did she get to the…”
“She is quite safe I assure you.” Lei replied walking down the stairs they’d come to. “I was told to tell you that you would see her again…”
“Where is she Lei?” Tristan whispered grabbing onto her arm, “If she’s hurt I swear I’ll…”
“Tristan stop worrying.” Lei said softly looking straight into his eyes, “You don’t need worry about her. She’s alive and safe… look this is difficult to explain here. When we get there I promise I’ll explain everything to you.”
Tristan barely had a chance to nod as Lei carried on walking down the staircase. He didn’t know how much longer it would take for them to get to where they were going, but he didn’t think that they were in for a brisk five minute walk.
It seemed it may well take much longer than that…
*****
The fire was cold. It’s large blue flames encased themselves around the figures inside the flame. A drumming could be heard from the inside of the forest. Shouts and screams of humanoid beings as they ran for their lives. The fire flickered slightly and he reached out his hand to touch it, no burn came to his hand as he touched it. Tristan could feel something inside it, something ticking, something metal and cold matching the fires flames.
He closed his eyes tightly and grasped the ticking object and pulled it out of the fire.
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…
A fob watch. He was holding a fob watch.
“Your time is coming Tristan… you must be prepared.”
The low female voice didn’t startle him. He turned around as he saw a figure gliding towards him out of the dark. Her colour matching the one of the fire, she was cold when she took his hand.
Tristan shivered…
Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…
The woman flowed around him slowly. The feel of her skin against his sending waves of electricity over his skin. Her hum was soft in his ear as her hands ran down his chest, just when he thought she had stopped her explorations she stopped in front of him. Her pale white eyes looking into his own. She was so close to him, it was almost as if he could feel breath on his face.
Pictures began to flow around the pupils of her eyes, the reflection of the fire being one of them.
It was then that it happened, that the burning pain seared through his head as what felt like large white hot burns gorged into his skin. The figures fingers glazed over his face, tilting his head up towards her own. The flames inside her eyes were changing colour. Yellow to orange, orange to red…
“Don’t look into they’re eyes…..”
“Tristan!!!”
Tristan sat up in bed. It was night in the forest. Lei had lead him away from the castle when they’d reached the end of the staircase and they’d wound up here, in a small forest village.
He was sweating as he looked up at Lei. They’d arrived at these quarters hours before hand and now he was sitting on one of the camp beds that appeared to have been made.
“Are you alright? I could hear you from my post…”
“Yeah…” Tristan whispered rubbing his head slightly and looking up at Lei, “Please tell me what’s going on now Lei...why have you brought me here? What‘s all this about magic and…eyes…”
“Eyes?” Lei asked looking at him, “What are you talking about?”
“I keep seeing eyes. It happened when I… I don’t even know what happened at first. And then I saw this woman in my dream… her eyes were so red…”
“Shh…” Lei said softly putting her finger on his lips and smiling down at him, “It’s probably just your talents. Magic does funny things in it’s early stages.”
Tristan was quiet as she lay down beside him. There was something about her presence when he was around her that calmed him. Nor did he understand why he’d suddenly trusted her when they’d met merely hours before.
“The magic was banned from this kingdom years ago because of a loss. I don’t know what that loss was but whatever happened angered the king and he banished magic from ever being used again. So my family fled from the over ground of this city and has lived in the forest ever since. The kingdom was ordered to tell everyone that magic was a bad thing, but even the stories they told couldn’t vanquish sorcerers from being born…”
“Oh don’t say it…” Tristan said looking at her, “Please don’t tell me what I think you’re going to…”
“A sorcerer is only one if they’re mother decides it. It’s how everyone in this world is born, only half the people don’t know about it because it’s never mentioned to those in the city…”
“You mean everyone with a talent is named that at birth?”
“Why do you think artists draw or bakers bake?” Lei said looking at him, “They don’t choose that they’re mothers do. They’re destiny is written in the stars and they’re mothers just know it. You’re mother named you as magic because it’s your destiny Tristan. You‘re the sorcerer that…” Lei said softly looking at him.
“My mother never told me any of this… she always said that magic was a bad thing. She taught me to hate it…”
“She was trying to protect you until now. Tristan people in the palace know who you are, that’s why your village was attacked. That’s why I got you out of that dungeon. But you have to trust me… you have to do as I say.”
“Which is what?” Tristan whispered.
“You must fulfil your destiny and become the sorcerer you were born to be. Only then will this world be saved.”
Tristan watched his new friend carefully for a moment. Everything was beginning to make sense, everything that he’d witnessed in the last twenty four hours. He closed his eyes and looked up at the stars.
“I suppose there’s no turning back now.” he sighed looking at her, “Those stars better be right…”
Lei could only smile.
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no subject
Date: 2009-12-18 09:23 pm (UTC)I'm at work at the moment and don't have time to go through the whole piece, but the same problems persist so hopefully some input on the first few paragraphs will help you see where you need to do some editing.
It was dark the day that the wizard came to the house. The small house Tristan had lived in all his eighteen years was dark. In any other case he'd have been sleeping but tonight he wasn't.
There's too much repetition here in emphasizing that it's dark out. But, oddly, you don't gain much clarity for it. The fact that you say it was "dark the day" the wizard came makes me think that it's daytime and there's just a lot of cloud cover or something. But in the third sentence it becomes clear that it's actually night time. In which case, you don't need to say that it's dark. That's the primary characteristic of night.
If you're trying to explain that it's unusually dark out on this particular night, say exactly that. Don't be afraid to come out and write *exactly* what you mean. Be direct and clear.
The lightning crashed once more and he glanced outside anxiously. The shadowy figure was striding towards the small house they lived in and he knew what was happening.
You're saying the lightning crashed "once more" but this is the first bolt of lightning the reader sees. You could simplify it down to, "Lightning crashed, and he glanced outside."
You have a bad habit of explaining things that don't need to be explained. The dark night, for instance, and in this bit the phrase "striding toward the small house they lived in." Houses are for living in. That goes without saying. Just say the man is striding toward "Tristan's house."
“Have they come for you yet?”
“Of course not.” Tristan said urgently, “Don't worry May it'll be fine...”
Look up the rules for punctuating dialogue and basic comma usage. This second line here should be: "Of course not," Tristan said. "Don't worry, May, it'll be fine."
Also: Attempt to cut out as many adverbs (words ending in -ly) as you can, especially around dialogue. And only use an ellipsis (...) when absolutely necessary.
Tristan couldn't answer that question. As brother and sister they'd not always gotten along. But they were still close and close could be and he couldn’t bear to look his sister in the eye and break her heart.
Avoid colloquialisms and cliches like "as close as close could be." They don't really tell us anything about the unique relationship between these two people because phrases like this are generic. Give your reader something more specific to *show* that they're close. For instance, do they share a bedroom in their small house?
reaching for the bag he'd hidden in one of the kitchens many cupboards
Possessive: kitchen's. You make a lot of basic grammar mistakes like this.
The reasoning inside him was blowing away the reason of false hope, but the last thing he wanted to do was upset his sister more.
This sentence makes no sense. Reason is blowing away reason? False hope for what?
Keep working at it. Brush up your grammar and keep an eye out for repetition and stating the obvious.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-18 10:03 pm (UTC)That's really helpful.
You're right of course, I did do all of that! I even noticed the repetition part myself when I re read it earlier. By then I'd already posted it here so I didn't think I'd do it again just because I'd noticed something.
Thanks for the advice and taking the time to type out the message.
Lucy
no subject
Date: 2009-12-18 10:27 pm (UTC)Repetition can be kind of difficult to notice in your own writing. If you walk away from something for a few days and then come back to it, a lot of stuff should stand out to you that didn't before.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-18 10:45 pm (UTC)You picked out things that I didn't notice which is why I think it's good to get someone else to look at it as well as yourself going through it numerous amount of times!
But yes everything you've said makes complete sense to me, and I completely agree.
I just didn't see it before you'd said some of it.
I will go and edit it with these in mind. I may well post it again if I have time when I've edited it and you could see whether it's any better.
Thanks again
Lucy
no subject
Date: 2009-12-18 11:51 pm (UTC)You can read it online here (http://www.bartleby.com/141/).
Don't get overwhelmed. It's a really short book, but it's packed with information.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-18 11:05 pm (UTC)Since this is apparently a piece of a larger story (if I'm not terribly mistaken or misled:)) I can't have any clear opinion of the plot: it all looks a terrible mess to me.
But one thing struck my eye: "As brother and sister they’d not always gotten along." It is said in such a matter-of-fact way that appears to be almost normal for the author, unless it had been explained elsewhere. And I find an appalling repetition of this motive in the modern fiction, whereas it's a tragedy. Has it become a common thing in the modern civilization?:(
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Date: 2009-12-18 11:31 pm (UTC)I should have read it more carefully before I posted it. It's okay if you don't like it, I don't mind that. I'm just trying to improve my writing skills.
Which part of the plot didn't make sense to you? My friend who I wrote it for read it and it made complete sense to her. 0_o
I'm not saying anyone is wrong of course, I'm just trying to work out what it is you're saying so I can edit it and hopefully make it better.
I agree that grammar isn't my strong point. I know that, that's why I'm trying to improve.
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Date: 2009-12-19 12:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-19 12:24 am (UTC)That was the intent anyway.
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Date: 2009-12-19 12:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-12-19 12:39 am (UTC)And I don't tend to write in a more classical way. I tend to prefer it if things get straight into the action, but that's just a personal preference. :)
Thanks for replying and pointing things out to me all the same though. I think you have a point and I will certainly take what you've said and use it in some way.
How else will I learn?
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Date: 2009-12-19 12:39 am (UTC)She asked for constructive critism and starlight responded and gave an extensive and helpful, ( and clearly experienced) report on how Lucy could improve and edit the piece. It was what was needed and wanted and I'ts great learning from that too.
Secondly I have to add that Im actually lucy's best friend so this may make me biased to defend her wholeheartedly, but on the other hand, I'm also saying what I think and believe too.
It's always hard getting critism, whether constructive or simply hurtful, but it's part of life and necessary to build a strong personality and learn from it. I understand this. I wish I could get more constructive critism on my area of creativity so that I won't get a shock when I'm in the grinder of critism, but I know that it'll happen one day and when it does, it will hurt, but it will be a good learning experience and one has to move on from that.
People have to be ready to stand in the firing line and be prepared for it. It always hurts or makes one defensive but, then it can be seen to beveituer helpful, or nonsense.
But I have to say, alonsoelbueno, that you simply took it too far. You said nothing helpful and were blantantly hurtful and rude.
I'm all for freedom of speech, I love it, honesty is the best policy, but dear god, why on earth would you be so harsh and forthcoming to someone who asked for "constructive critism"!? It's not an invitation to attack feelings.
Another thing that annoys me here is that everyone has forgotten the main principle of fictional writing (and I may be only 17, and not even a writer, as I prefer drawing, but I have my opinions) which is surely to be imaginative, creative, and therefore, Lucy has accomplished everything?
The other issue here is that, yes, there are mistakes, grammatical and spelling errors, but when one is just on a roll, writing writing writing away, creating new characters, worlds, ideas, stories, does it really matter? If you enjoy it and love it, that's what counts. When one is a professional author it is important of course: you get an editor, or you go through it many times abd edit it yourself, but Lucy, being an extremely avid writer, but not a professional one, is writing fir herself (or for me in this case) and therefore may make mistakes. This is why age asked for constructive critism. So that people could helpfully give her tips and guides and point out things she hadn't noticed. Not to simply insult her.
Yes people have to learn to take things like this but in the first place it's important to take care in others feelings too. yes, by all means, say what you feel, say your opinions, it's important, but don't act all pompous and smart and as if everyone else is stupid.
Basically, I may be biased because I love this story, I think it's brilliant, it's got great description, an intriguing story, and awesome characters, and to me it's perfect for my story likes, yes it kay have spelling typos and continuity fails etcetcetc blah blah but being me, I see past that, I see the story, the plot, the characters and dialogue.
Writers need editing and drafts of course. They need to learn to take critism by the boatload. It hurts everytime but it's part of learning and growing up. But if one enjoys what they do and loves writing (or whatever else it is they do) and is happy creating. That's what is important.
I'll leave the pointing out of Simple errors to someone else.
Kathryn
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Date: 2009-12-19 12:46 am (UTC)I'd also like to add that one learns all ones life so every experience adds to this life learning.
Lucy will learn from this and she'll keep getting better and better and improving all the time.
It's the way with life. Hopefully others who get constructive or hurtful critism will also understand it's ok to feel hurt or upset or angry or defensive first, but that if you put your work out there it will happen. Never give up though. Pursue your dream. Praise may be showered from one way and critism the other, but if you enjoy what you do you can move on and learn and improve and keep going. It's necessary.
Anyway toodlepip I'm off!
Kathryn x
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Date: 2009-12-19 10:42 am (UTC)Grammar has never been my strong point, I'm much more of a creative than academic person it's just the way I am. If someone can look beyond the grammar mistakes then that'd be great grammar can be amended quite easily when you know it's there. Part of the problem with this story is that I didn't which is why I posted it so people could point that out. Maybe I should have been more specific about what I was looking for.
I think that the comments posted on here are fine now I've gone and thought about it. However the way in which they were said was what Kathryn a problem with and was trying to point out.
Say what you like, that's fine. I don't mind, and yes I did find all of the comments useful. But don't bash it or be horrible about it all. That's not what constructive critisim is for is it?
Thanks to everyone, I've taken it all on board and I'm going to say I've gotten everything I required and won't be commenting again unless something gets my attention. :P