Blood of the People: Chapter One

[defiantlygreen.livejournal.com]

 

Chapter One: The Musings of Señorita Luisa Aguilar

For the first thirty years of his life, Don Alejandro de Salazar led a fairly pleasant life, with very little to vex him. He was the only son and heir of the considerably wealthy Don Tiburcio de Salazar, who, upon his passing, had bequeathed to his son not only the entirety of his wealth, but also a vast shipping empire that plied the Manila-Acapulco trade route and serviced the great port cities of Europe. Thus, one may understand the excitement felt by the maidens of San Carlos, the town of Don Alejandro’s birth, when it was announced to all and sundry that he was, at last, returning home.

Luisa Aguilar, the gobernadorcillo’s youngest daughter, was as eager as any of the young ladies of San Carlos. She was eighteen years old, fresh and innocent from a childhood spent in the confines of a convent, and she could not wait to put aside the demure mien of a dalaga and become a wife; the wife of Don Alejandro. She was young, vivacious, and, in her opinion, the most beautiful girl in San Carlos. Perhaps even in all of Cavite! There was certainly no shortage of men who believed this was so.

The morning that the nurse, old Amada, brought the news, Luisa was in her room, deciding between two gowns that her maid had chosen for her. It was Sunday, and on Sundays, the whole Aguilar family, from the formidable Don Jose Prudencio to Luisa’s maid Lupeng, went to Mass. Luisa liked going to Mass, despite the two hours in the stifling heat of the church and the rough wood of the benches which hurt her knees and dirtied her clothes when she knelt down. She gladly suffered through it all for the sake of the many handsome men in the congregation, who all liked to look at her and admire her beauty. On Sundays, Luisa chose her dress with the utmost care, ignoring admonitions to guard against the sin of vanity.

Who cared what old people thought anyway?

“I think I shall wear the blue one,” mused Luisa. “Just last week Señor Tejada’s youngest son said I looked divine in that dress. But…” She paused, fingering the gown’s lacy neckline. “It is just a bit too revealing for Mass, isn’t it? I wouldn’t want to appear improper. What do you think, Amada?”

“I think,” said the old woman sternly, “that young ladies should not be concerned with their looks when going to Mass. We go to pray for our salvation and to praise God, not to attract the attention of Señor Tejada’s youngest son.”

Luisa scoffed. “Foolish old woman.” She turned away and pointed to the other dress. “The white one, then,” she decided. “And my silk slippers, the ones from Paris.”

While the maid helped Luisa into her clothes, Amada made herself comfortable in the rocking chair by the window. “Doña Estela has news,” she said. “Do you remember your cousin, Rafael Montillo?”

“Of course I do,” replied Luisa. The filthy little hanger-on, she thought viciously. Rafael Montillo was the son of her father’s sister, but his father’s history was nowhere near as respectable. Señor Montillo, when he yet lived, had worked on one of the nearby farms, and had the luck to possess enough charm and good looks to attract Josefina Aguilar. The pair ran off together, causing a scandal that shocked the entire town. A year later, Josefina returned to San Carlos, dirty, penniless, and pregnant, certainly no longer the lovely young lady that had been Don Jose Prudencio’s favorite sister. Montillo was a monster, she said, a devil disguised as a handsome man, a gambler and a drunkard who cruelly beat his wife. She had managed to escape one night, while he slept off four bottles of whiskey, and threw herself on her brother’s mercy.

Her father should have turned the fallen woman away. Josefina Aguilar was a shame to their family. And yet, Jose Prudencio, against the advice of his wife and other sister, Soledad, allowed Josefina into his home, where she gave birth to a baby boy, and died not long after. Again, against the advice of the remaining Aguilar womenfolk, Jose Prudencio adopted the child and named him Rafael. Soledad had gotten her way in one thing—the boy was not to be given the surname Aguilar. Rather, he was called Montilla. But either way, the child Rafael was named Jose Prudencio’s heir, and received all honors and privileges as was accorded an only son.

“Wipe that surly look off your face,” scolded Amada. “I know you are not fond of your cousin, but your father loves him, and he is, like it or not, a part of your family, so keep quiet and keep your manners.”

“Who do you think you are, to speak to me of this family’s affairs?”

“I am your nurse, and I was Ana Maria’s nurse, and Catalina’s nurse, and Doña Estela’s nurse, and I will be nurse to Catalina’s children, unless her husband, whoever he may be, takes into his household a silly girl from Manila, in which case I shall be your children’s nurse,” said Amada. Luisa knew she was referring to her eldest sister Ana Maria’s husband, who had disregarded her mother Doña Estela’s recommendation of the old nurse and hired a young Manileño for his son and daughter. “Now, do you want to hear your mother’s news or not?”

“If it concerns Rafael Montilla, you may leave right now, Amada. I will hear no talk of him.”

“It is not only your cousin I am here to tell you about,” said Amada slyly. “But if you would rather not hear news of Don Tiburcio’s son, I shall leave, as you wish.”

It didn’t take long for Luisa to recognize the name. “Wait! Wait, you old gypsy!” she cried. “Stay. Tell me of Don Alejandro. Is he well?”

“Oh, better than well. Or so Rafael says.” Amada smirked. “He’s become friends with Don Alejandro, did you know? They didn’t know each other as children but they met in Heidelberg—and, well, you know how men are, once they found out they were from the same town it was as if they were brothers. No one is closer to Don Alejandro than Rafael now.”

For a while, Luisa did not speak. Then, she said, “I suppose, if you can look past his ignoble origins, Rafael makes suitable company.” She shrugged. “After all, he’s gone to France and Spain and Germany, hasn’t he? And Father did make him his heir, didn’t he?”

Amada chuckled.  “How quickly the young change their mind!” she exclaimed.

“Oh, be quiet, old woman,” said Luisa crossly. “I am determined to wed Don Alejandro,” she added. “He will see that it is a perfect match. Not only am I the most beautiful girl in San Carlos, but I am also cousin to his best friend! How can he say no to me?”

“Ah, but you forget, Catalina is cousin to his best friend as well,” said Amada wisely. “It may be that Don Alejandro will choose her.”

Luisa scowled. She never liked being reminded of her older sister, who everyone said was the only girl in San Carlos who even came close to rivaling Luisa in beauty, her father’s favorite, given opportunities that even Ana Maria, the firstborn, didn’t have. “That old maid?” she scoffed. “Don Alejandro won’t even look twice at her. Already twenty and still unmarried? She might as well become a nun!”

“Now, Luisa…”

“Oh, will you not leave me be?” cried Luisa. “Go to Catalina then! Use your gypsy’s arts and make Don Alejandro want her.” She sneered. “God knows she won’t get him any other way.”

“What makes you even think Catalina wants Don Alejandro?” asked Amada, no trace of malice in her tone.

“What makes you think she doesn’t?” retorted Luisa. “Think you that beneath that scholar’s façade there is not a woman as any other? She wants what any of us want: a rich husband, a comfortable life. Only she shan’t get hers, the poor old maid.”

“Señorita,” interrupted the maid meekly, “I have finished.”

Luisa waved the girl away and turned to face the mirror. The glass showed a slim young girl in a white Spanish-style dress, her hair spread on her almost-bare shoulders. “Amada,” she said, “shall I pin my hair up? Señor Tejada’s youngest son promised me a pearl pin today if I wear my hair up."




Notes:

A "gobernadorcillo"  was the mayor of a small provincial town. The gobernadorcillo was normally a peninsular, or a Spaniard born in Spain.

Cavite is a real province in the Philippines. San Carlos, however, is a fictional town.

"Dalaga" is a Tagalog word referring to a young female, typically a virgin, in her teens.

Comments

[svenjaliv.livejournal.com]

There's a lot of info-dumping in this, that's what jumped out at me. You list all the characters, their various relatives, their life histories... all that stuff IS relevant and important, but listing it at the beginning is pointless. By the time Soledad appears in the story, we'll have forgotten who she is, and will have to flip back to page one to check. Never a good thing. There's no need for all that stuff.

The piece seems to be written from Luisa's POV, in which case I'd cut the entire first paragraph. It's also an info-dump, and at this stage, we have no reason to care about Alejandro - telling us basics about him and then jumping to another character is jarring. Honestly, by the time I got to the end and went to write this, I'd forgotten that you'd started by talking about him. This scene should start with Luisa getting ready for Mass.

You also have a tendency to tell too much; you don't have to tell us that Luisa thinks she's the most beautiful girl in town. Having her obsess over what dress to wear etc tells us that she's vain and whatnot, and the anecdote with Senor Tejada's youngest son tells us that men share that opinion of her.

I'd cut out a lot of the info and leave:

1. Luisa getting ready for mass and deliberating what dress to wear; this shows us that she's vain, shallow, and widely admired.

2. Luisa's negative reaction when Amada mentions Rafael, but there's no need to go into the intricacies of his birth and life so far. The reader just needs to know that a) he's Luisa's cousin and b) she doesn't like him. You can also put in c) that her father adopted him etc. But you can fill the rest in later.

Luisa's reaction to Alejandro is much better. No long histories or details of his family, but we get the idea that she's excited at the prospect of seeing him again, and intends to make him hers. Make her reaction to Rafael more like that.

I hope that helps some.

[defiantlygreen.livejournal.com]

Yes, that helps a lot. :) Thanks very much for the advice. Oh, and just one more question? When I post the edited version of this chapter should I delete this one, or leave it up?

(Anyone's free to answer this, if you guys have the time. Thanks again! :>)

[svenjaliv.livejournal.com]

No problem! And no, I think as a general rule, don't delete posts in this comm. :)