an offering

[shayna611.livejournal.com]

This might qualify as the beginning of my story. I'm not really aiming at a novel at the moment, instead I am working in bits and pieces - writing scenes and short stories - to fill out a story that takes place over a long span of time. If you like it, by all means, head to the site, there's plenty more.

A narrow path, which was little more than the wearing away of debris by passing feet, wound its way through the woods. A lone rider made her way along this path, ducking her head occasionally to avoid a low hanging branch from one of the trees that lined its sides. She carried in one hand the lead for a second horse, which followed steadily behind her, bearing what few provisions she had thought necessary for her trip.

The trail spilled out into a clearing, at the center of which stood a positively ancient chapel. The tiny weathered building seemed strangely at home amidst the thick woods. Tendrils of ivy weaved their way across its walls, trained to neatly skirt its windows and the sturdy double doors at its front.

Masakari slid from the back of her mount and tethered both horses to a tree at the edge of the clearing. She made her way to the entrance of the church, noticing as she approached, the large, well-ordered garden on the far side. After pausing a moment to straighten a few wrinkles and brush the dust from her cloak, Masakari lifted one gloved hand and rapped sharply on the door. When no answer came, she cautiously pushed open the door and stepped inside.

It looked much like any other church in any other village, though she was not sure why she had expected it to be much different. Two rows of simple wooden pews formed a broad aisle down the center of the room, leading to a low platform bearing the altar and statue of the Goddess. A large window with plates of blue glass, arranged to form the mark of the Goddess, dominated the rear wall, filling the room with a soft purple glow from the sinking sun.

"Hello?" Masakari called, seeing no sign of anyone within the chapel. Doorways at the far end of the room led in either direction to rooms for the use of the clergy. Perhaps the one she was looking for was there.

"I'll be with you in a moment," a man's voice called from her right, confirming her suspicion. “You can use the room on your left,“ he continued. “Change if you need to and have a seat.“ She made her way slowly towards the altar, absently admiring the carvings that adorned the walls to either side as she passed.

The door to left led to what might have been designed as a staging area for ceremonies held in the church, but now was outfitted as in infirmary. Several narrow cots stood against the back wall at one end of the room, while the other held a large table draped with a bed sheet. She had scarcely entered the room when the sound of footsteps behind her drew her attention.

A man in shabby grey robes appeared and Masakari was surprised to find he could not possibly be much older than she. He was tall, ducking his head slightly to pass through the door. His features were thin, his complexion pale. Straw-colored hair, tied behind his head, fell nearly to his waist. Pale blue eyes fixed her with a scrutinizing stare.

“May I help you?” he asked hesitantly.

“I have come seeking Rune.”
“And you’ve found him. How may I be of assistance? Pardon my saying so, but you look perfectly healthy to me.”

“I am not here for myself,” she started.

“Then there’s someone with you…?” He glanced back toward the chapel, somewhat confused.

“No, forgive me for not introducing myself.” She offered a nod and a vague impression of a salute. “Lady Masakari Romilinas Burnoire d’Aquelene. I come, though unofficially, as a representative of the Knighthood at the behest of Headmistress Kinari Deltrene”

His eyes narrowed and he now regarded her somewhat suspiciously. “And just what do the Knights want with a simple backwoods healer such as myself?”

“You are too modest,” she said. “I have heard tell of your powers.”

“You heard wrong,” he said quickly.

“Those you have healed claim you perform miracles,” she persisted.

“I am a medic, My Lady,” he insisted with a dismissive wave. ”Perhaps an especially talented one, but, I assure you, nothing more.”

“They say you need to but lay your hands on those that other healers had given up for dead.”

Rune shrugged. “You save a few lives and see what they say about you.”

“I do not think I am mistaken.”

“Supposing I did have these powers as you seem to think, Lady…“ he groped for her name.

“Masakari will do,” she offered.

“What, Lady Masakari, would you do with me?”

“Demons have been sighted - more and more frequent as of late. I have seen them myself.” She paused, expecting another attempt to discredit her. His look was skeptical, but he made to move to stop her. “Prophecy points to the arrival of something far more sinister. There is indication as well that those touched by the Gods will be the ones to save us from it.”

“And you think that healing people makes me fit to battle demons?”

“I think it appropriate to believe you are touched by the Gods.”

Whatever response he intended to give never made it to his lips as the sudden slamming of the chapel door and a rush of footsteps interrupted them. Rune quickly ducked through the door to see what had caused the commotion and Masakari followed after.

A boy, perhaps in his early teens, was running franticly towards them. His cloak was torn and spattered with mud. “Rune!” he called, struggling to find the breath to speak. “Rune, we need your help!”

Rune rushed to meet the boy, catching him as he stumbled over the tattered hem of his cloak. “What is it, Kurt?” he asked, helping to right him.

“A creature,” the boy said. “Like nothing I’ve ever seen. A monster! It came out of the wood. And Owen- you have to help him!”

“What sort of monster?” Masakari started, but the other two were ignoring her.

Rune pushed past her, back into the infirmary and retrieved a large knapsack from the floor. “Take me to him,” he said, throwing the bag over his shoulder. Masakari followed as the two hurried out the door.

“Take my horse,” she offered, quickly loosing both animals’ tethers. Rune thanked her and took the reigns from her hand. She slipped the packs from the other horse’s back. Masakari mounted the pack horse and lifted the boy, seating him in front of her. He pointed back towards town and they set off down the path.

As they neared the edge of the woods, Kurt pointed into the trees and Rune and Masakari steered their horses in the direction he indicated. The brush was sparse enough to allow them passage among the trees and they continued a fair distance from the path before their objective came into view.

Three boys, near the same age as Kurt, stood guard over a fourth who lay sprawled on the ground each holding a tree branch like a weapon and staring into the trees about them. All three started nervously, tightening their grips on their makeshift weapons, as the riders approached.

Careful not to dislodge the boy, Masakari leapt from the horse’s back as they reached the others. Rune clumsily drew his mount to a stop before making an awkward dismount and Kurt slid from his seat last. At sight of Rune, the boys eased a bit, making room for him to reach their injured friend.

Rune knelt to examine the boy, while Masakari made her own assessment from over his shoulder. The wounded child was clearly the youngest of the group, perhaps by several years. He lay on his back in the undergrowth, biting his lip to fight the urge to cry out. His left leg was badly broken and soaked with blood that flowed from a set of deep clawlike gashes.

“Owen,” Rune said, recognizing the boy. He set to work, tearing the fabric of his pants away from the wound.

“What happened here?” Masakari demanded.

“Worry about that later,“ Rune snapped. “Let me take care of him first.”

“If it comes back…” she started, but Rune was ignoring her.

He offered Owen a hand. “This is going to hurt,” he cautioned. “Squeeze my hand. Meekly, the boy obliged.

“What did this to him?” Masakari asked the others. They eyed her apprehensively, saying nothing.

“It’s alright,” Rune assured them, “She’s a knight. She’s here to help.”

At the mention of her being a knight, the boys’ expressions turned to awe. “It was the strangest thing I ever saw,” said one. “It was like a big dog, but its head was just a skull with no eyes.”

“And big fangs,” piped in another.

“And claws,” added the third.

“Ready?” Rune asked Owen. The boy gave an anxious nod, gripping the man’s hand tightly.

“It looked like a dead thing,” the second boy said. “But it was walking just like anything.”

Owen yelped and everyone’s attention was drawn to him. Rune, still holding his hand in one of his own, had now placed his other hand on the boy’s leg just above the wound. Masakari thought she must have imagined it, and blinked to try to dispel the image, but she swore that, just for an instant, a halo flickered around the two. The damaged leg convulsed and slowly twisted itself back into shape and the wounds closed and mended themselves right before her eyes. She had heard the man worked miracles, but this was far beyond anything she had even imagined. Though the others responded with looks of discomfort or sympathy, she was certain she was the only one truly surprised.

A loud noise from the brush startled them all. The boys gripped their sticks like cudgels, spinning nervously in the direction from which it had come. Masakari drew her sword. A beast perhaps three feet high and four long, with the haunches of a dog and a head like the skull of a bear laced with drooping grey flesh, came leaping from the bushes, viciously bearing a mouthful of jagged teeth.

Masakari quickly stepped in front of the boys, halting the demon’s advance with her sword. A sharp blow to the chest with the flat of her blade sent the monster tumbling to the ground. It righted itself almost before it landed and pounced again. Masakari struck again, cleaving its head from its shoulders. The demon fell at her feet in a disjointed shower of loose flesh and bones. Kicking the skull across the ground, she sheathed her blade.

Rune rose, taking the branch from one of the boys’ hands. He prodded the crumpled remains of the demon. A loud hiss and a pungent odor escaped the pile as the stick disturbed it. Rune let the branch fall and was violently ill.

Masakari studied Owen as she waited for Rune to regain his composure. The boy’s leg bore the scars of a freshly healed wound, but he was whole. “You don’t expect me to believe that was anything but magic,” she said sternly, when Rune had recovered.

“No,” he conceded. “I’m afraid there’s not much chance of convincing you otherwise, is there? And I suppose that,” he indicated the jumbled pile with a grimace, “was a demon?”

She nodded. “So will you hear me out?”

“I suspect I don’t have much choice,” he answered.

“Rune’s not in trouble, is he?” Owen asked.

“If you plan on doing anything to him…” one of the others warned.

“Not at all,” she assured them.

“Let’s get them home,” Rune suggested. “Then we can talk.”

Comments

[empressfunk.livejournal.com]

This is a very good start to the story. You've got me I'm interested. Already, I like that the knight is a woman. There doesn’t seem to be enough of that in fantasy stories, and she definitely seems to hold her own. That her name is so much more different than the other characters--Rune, Kurt, Owen--makes me wonder about her origins too. The introduction of Rune and his abilities also makes me assume that he's going to be very vital to the story.

The writing itself is really good; the actions, the descriptions and the dialogue. Your description of the settings seems really natural and paints a really clear picture of the settings. My only suggestion would be to add little distinctive markers for the boys, as they right now seem like a sort of clumped together entity when everyone else gets so much description by contrast.

Overall, I really like this--you're a great writer. :)

[shayna611.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I've always been into fantasy, but I generally find myself liking all the male characters so much more than the female ones because they tend to be so weak (and I don't really mean just physically, because so often tough girls tend to have such cookie cutter personalities too), even most of my own stories feature largely male casts. So I'm trying to make some tough but believable women in this one.

Masakari is of noble birth as opposed to the others being commoners. I'm thinking maybe I need a few descriptive details (like her clothes or something) to make that a little more obvious. And I skimmed over the boys because I didn't think she would pay them much attention, but I think you're right that they could use a little bit of depth.