Just joined!

[dreaming-knight.livejournal.com]

Hello everyone. I Just joined and look forward to reading stories and having help with my writing and maybe helping others! well the whole reason I searched at this time is I have a bit of writing I'd like thoughts on. it's only the beginning and I don't know quite where it is going I just put pen to paper and let it come out as I go :-p I'm thinking a short story for the length.

He sees her lying on the floor. His world... the one person who understood him and loved him. Vivian's lifeless eyes fixed in never ending stare at the ceiling. Nathaniel quickly runs the short distance to her passing. Wrapping his arms around her cold skin he burys his head into her shoulder, her head rolling to one side. She couldn't have been dead longer then a day for he had been with her the night before. Looking around at the place they often visited it looked completely alien to him. Chairs and tables knocked over, broken glass strewn across the bar, various pools of liquid. The smell of alcohol was overpowering. Who has done this? Nathaniel gathers Vivian's body into his arms and just sits, back against the wall in shock. How could this happen? Who could have done this? he sits there holding her close. his last thought before sleep takes over him was of her sweet perfume and the smell of her hair...

Comments

[jl-johnson.livejournal.com]

Good Points

Good beginning. You give the reader a sense that something horrible has happened. You can go in so many different directions from here. Did she have a past he didn't know about? A secret 'other life'? Did she see something she wasn't suppose to?

Bad Points

It's filled with fragmented sentences and incomplete thoughts.
Example;
*He sees her lying on the floor.[fragmented sentence] His world... the one person who understood him and loved him.[incomplete thought]

Punctuation is a bit of a bugger too. I have a problem with comma's. We don't like each other. :P

*His world... the one person who....* You don't need to put (....) just a comma will do.

I think once you've worked on this for awhile, you could have a good story. Just remember to answer the questions you posed. Good luck.

JL

[dreaming-knight.livejournal.com]

thanks a lot :) very helpful! I'm going to edit a bit and continue on.