Morning

[take10000.livejournal.com]

hi all - i just joined. this is my first attempt at a "short story", if you can call it that. i would love any and all criticism. thanks in advance.



The coffee has long since cooled, but still she stirs, her glazed eyes revealing, again, that she is not here.

"Mom. We were supposed to leave 5 minutes ago, what have you been doing? You're not even dressed yet!"

A stutter in response – never an apology – and finally she awakens. Moving painfully slowly, skipping the shower, fumbling with yesterday's outfit – ready.

I hurry her into the passenger seat. The coffee remains, undisturbed, on the kitchen table, for her to throw out when she finds it later today.

"Seatbelt," as usual.

Quickly shifting from reverse to drive, I turn the bass up. She turns it down.

Kurt Cobain is the only voice for a few miles. Then the first attempt:

"Any tests today?"
"Be quiet."
"Solo estoy preguntando! Do you have any tests?"
A sigh. "No, I don't; I have my chem mid term tomorrow. Be quiet, I like this song."

She turns away. What I wanted. I grip the steering wheel and push the speed limit a little more. I pull into the driveway and shift to park, throw open the door and grab my backpack from the back seat. As I walk up the steps, I don't have to look back to know she'll sit in the passenger seat for another few minutes, waking up, then paint on a smile and greet the principal before driving home.

Comments

[baltimoreandme.livejournal.com]

This is a good character interaction. I like it. One thing I would suggest is to throw in one or two more details to intensify the characters or the setting - perhaps what the mother's outfit from yesterday was, for example.

[take10000.livejournal.com]

Thanks a lot for the suggestion. Now that I read it again, I realize exactly what you mean. Of course, in my head, the characters/setting seem intense, but I guess I need more to show that to people who aren't in my head :) My problem is that my writing style is usually sparse, and I'm almost afraid of too much unnecessary detail. Hmm. I might post a revision if I get around to it... thanks again.