Dialogue Critique for cursedbyartemis

[captlychee.livejournal.com]

I took the liberty of putting this into more of a play format so that it’s more orthodox and easier to read.  Thus I can make my comments, in italocs, at various points where I hope I can improve your dialogue.

 

First, a general observation.  One way to get good dialogue is to get a feel for the sound of each character’s voice.  I don’t mean ‘voice’ here in the literary critical sense, but just the sound coming out of the character’s mouth.  My method is to pick the actor who I would want to play the character in a movie and then try to imagine the words coming out in their voice.  If it doesn’t sound right but the actor you’ve picked is the one you would have play your character, then you know the dialogue isn’t working.  To take an extreme example, let’s say you would want Clint Eastwood to play ETHAN below, and one of ETHAN’s lines of dialogue is ‘Yoiks!  Cheese it, boyo, the jig’s up!’.  Can you imagine Clint Eastwood saying that?  No.  (At least, I hope not.)  So clearly that’s a crap line for ETHAN.  Whereas ETHAN might very convincingly say ‘Go ahead, make my day’ and that would work.  Anyway, that’s my method.  Do I write good dialogue?  Ah, well perhaps I will post some to <lj comm=writer’s_loft> and we shall see.

 

Now, on to the action:

 

In this, I understand that you are aware and want to make us aware that werewolves are not human, and thus won’t act like humans.  Nonetheless, there’s got to be some human behaviour, both because they are human some of the time and because the human readers need something to connect to.  You can ignore the need for a human connection, of course (look at Greg Egan) but you do so at the peril of nobody reading your stuff.

 

The Hunter's Chase

[Three wolves running though thick trees in darkness. The head wolf only visible by her yellow eyes. The other two flank behind her.]

ROSE:                 Idiot. Can't you ever do anything right?

LEX:                    He doesn't know the meaning.

(Of what?  ‘The word ‘right’, but LEX’s line is unclear.)

CIARAN   Sorry. (Quietly)

Enter the Wolves' Den

[Two young men sit on a tattered couch in a nearly empty room. A broken window lets in minimal light, showing dust covering nearly everything. A pile of blankets is tucked away in the furthest corner behind the standing young woman.]

ROSE         I can't believe you. What possessed you to leave us behind? Howling away like that! You let Her know where you were, prancing about in the moonlight. She sent Her Hunter after you.

(Here’s one problem with this.  We didn’t see it happening.  Telling us things is a good shortcut to cut down on description of action, but ROSE’s lines are just bland.  Also, it sets up ROSE as a kind of schoolmarm, disciplining her two younger charges.  Later we find out that CIARAN is her brother but that LEX isn’t .  So why does she have LEX there in the first place?  Family matters would best be handled in private.
Next, don’t bog down angry dialogue with long sentences and unnecessary ones.  Is it necessary that ROSE say she can’t believe what CIARAN did?  She’s angry at the howling, not at how unbelievable the howling was.  So get rid of that first sentence.)

LEX           You better apologize soon. I don't want to sit here listening to her ranting. (whispering, aside)

CIARAN   Shut your muzzle.

(This is the best line in the piece.  Shows that werewolves don’t think exactly as humans do.  But overdoing these kind of expressions at first sounds cute and then sounds corny.)

ROSE         You endangered the pack. He's probably tracking us right now. He may almost be here.

CIARAN   Rose, I'm sorry.

ROSE         That doesn't cut it! I have half a mind to leave you behind for the Hunter while Lex and I find somewhere safe to hide.

(It’s clear from the second sentence that ROSE isn’t accepting CIARAN’s apology, so delete the first sentence.  The shorter the lines, the more angry she sounds.)

CIARAN   Rose! (standing) Please.

ROSE         Ciaran... (softening stance) You're my brother. The last of my original pack. I couldn't really.

(Then why say she would do it?  It should read ‘You’re the last of my original pack…’)

LEX           Great, make me feel even more like an outsider. (whispering behind Ciaran, arms crossed)

ROSE         But you ARE an idiot. (hardening up again at Ciaran, ignoring Lex's comment.)

LEX           Well, that was easy. Can I curl up yet? The sun is raising her head over the horizon.

(What was easy?  I’m not getting what LEX is on about.  I can think of several possibilities, but I’m unsure which of them LEX is talking about.)

ROSE                  Ciaran, first watch. Lex, go to bed. I'm going into town for supplies. (turning to leave, standing in door frame, looking over her shoulder)  And boys, don't mess anything else up.

(Now this bit really bugs me.  Sisters do not turn to look over their shoulder in a kind of Lauren Bacall way and say ‘Boys, don’t mess anything else up’.  Now, I will grant that werewolf sisters might say that, but so much of ROSE other dialogue has been very naturally human, so it doesn’t make sense.  Also, LEX hasn’t messed up anything, so why doesn’t ROSE just address CIARAN?)

 (exits)

LEX           See, wasn't too hard. Now I get to lay about like a puppy, you get to go play outside, and we don't have to get her yapping. (curling up in the pile of blankets) Think she'd mind if I took the couch since she's gone?

CIARAN   I hate you, Alexander. (from outside the broken window)

LEX           I love you, too, sweetness. I'll keep your spot warm until Rosie gets back. (laying his head down, closing his eyes, smirking)

(What’s LEX’s relationship to the siblings?  Are you trying to say he’s being sarcastic here?  ‘I love you, too, sweetness’ sounds (to me) like he’s coming on to CIARAN.  Also, he’s keeping CIARAN’s spot warm until ROSE gets back?  What’s going to happen in that spot once ROSE gets back?  LEX at this point just sounds like a sleaze, and he hasn’t sounded like that before.)

CIARAN   A Hunter, huh? Wasn't expecting one in Michigan. (sighing, leaning against shack with rotting siding, next to broken window)

Buying Groceries In Town

[Rose sifts through apples, picking out the worst ones with bruises and spots. Close up on mangled apple. She mutters, "perfect" while holding placing another one into her shopping cart. Her basket is already filled with cheap cuts of meat and a case of water.A shadow falls over her. ]

ETHAN     You know, those are horrible. Nearly inedible.

ROSE         I know.

ETHAN     Then why are you buying them?

ROSE         Punishment for my brother. He loves apples.

ETHAN     Let me guess. A trouble-making little brother who never thinks before he goes off and pulls something stupid?

ROSE         You got one too?

ETHAN     No, I am the little brother. (laughing, throwing head back)

[Rose notices his great smile, then his slicked hair pulled into a neat ponytail. Then she scans his suit, classy but a little avant-garde.  She gives him a wary glance. He notices. ]

ETHAN     My apologies. My name is Ethan. I have family here, but I work in Detroit so I haven't visited in a while. You must be new?

ROSE         Yeah. My brothers and I moved here pretty recently. We like the back woods feel.

ETHAN     The only way to get more back woods than here is to go to the U.P.

ROSE         The what?

ETHAN     The Upper Peninsula? You really must be new to the area. Where did you say you came from?

(Delete the second sentence.  We and Ethan have already established that ROSE & Co are new to the area.)

ROSE         I didn't. (She begins walking away)

ETHAN     I think I can offer you something worth staying for... (grabbing her arm)

ROSE         I doubt it. (coldly glaring, wrenching her arm from his grip)

ETHAN     Sorry. (Laughing) I just thought you'd be interested in what I can offer you.

ROSE         Get lost, creep.

[Ethan is left in the background, laughing at Rose's reaction. Rose pays for her groceries. Leaves the market. Upon exiting, Ethan is waiting outside the doors.]

ROSE         Can't you take a hint? (nearly growling)

ETHAN     Sure, if it was that that I wanted. I couldn't help but notice...

(Replace ‘that that’ with ‘a hint that’.  Your sentence is perfectly grammatical, but it just sounds awkward coming out of a character’s mouth)

ROSE         I'm waiting.

ETHAN     My, what big eyes you have, grandma.

(Another good line.  In fact, this tells so much about what ROSE is, what ETHAN knows etc that I will now say that it’s the best line in the piece, coming slightly ahead of my previous nomination)

[Rose drops her grocery bags. ]

ETHAN     Here, let me help. We'll walk and talk. I'm interested to meet your brothers now.

[Rose, to shocked to say much else, nods. Fear courses through her.  Walking into a trap?]

ROSE         (VO)  If he's the Hunter... I'm alone. I'm dead. He's getting me to show him where our den is... The three of us can take him, maybe. Calm, Rose. Let the Hunter think he's in control.

(VO stands for ‘Voice Over’.  I put that in so that we know we are reading ROSE’s inner monologue, her inner thoughts.  Of course, there are conventions for representing that in a graphic novel, though I must say I don’t know what they are.  ROSE’s thoughts seeme jumbled – first she’s thinking she’s as good as dead, then she’s examining the supposd hunter’s motives, then she thinks she sees a way out of her predicament.  This is all very good and naturalistic for inner monologue, which is what it is, but of course it wouldn’t work as dialogue.)

ETHAN     I had noticed... / ...they are hard to miss... / So I thought I'd show you... / ...aristocrat family from Europe... / ...strange ones... / ...really liked their cryptozoology, I guess.

                   Hey, Rose.

(How does he know her name?  If they haven’t been introduced, ROSE will be onto this, and really frightened   Which she is, but she doesn’t ask how her knew her name.)

ROSE         Y-yeah? (cowering)

ETHAN     I'm not a Hunter, okay?

ROSE         Huh? (watches him warily) Could this scrawny businessman actually be a savage Hunter?

ETHAN     Weren't you listening? I have a crazy European bloodline, I think they were cryptozoologists in it, because of their library. They really liked their werewolves...

ROSE         SHUT UP! Don't say that! (glancing around, realizing they're already in a forest) Oh.

ETHAN     You thought I was a Hunter, am I right? I read about those. Nasty bunch. We've got plenty of tomes on them, too. Why they exist, how they exist, how to kill them...

ROSE         Kill? (freezes, then grins viciously) You did say kill a Hunter?

ETHAN     Yeah, that's important?

(Why would he say it in the first place if it wasn’t?  Remember that ETHAN has some motivation for approaching ROSE, or at least any werewolf he happens across, so he’ll have some idea of what they think is important.  At the moment he doesn’t seem to have any motivation for talking to ROSE at all.)

ROSE         Let's hurry. My boys are waiting. (takes off running, forgetting that dress shoes don't do well for running through a forest and he's carrying all her grocery bags)

Prey for the Beasts

[Rose bursts from the trees, running, and stumbles into the clearing around their den.]

ROSE         Ciaran! Ciar! Where'd you go?

CIARAN   Rose? What's wrong? Why are you running?

[Rustling from the trees, Ciaran bristles.]

ROSE         Wait! Don't shift.

ETHAN     Hello. You must be the little brother.

CIARAN   Rose? And you call me the idiot? Who the hell have you brought here? (still bristled, pulling on his lip ring with his teeth)

ROSE         Don't question me. (growling) Lex! Out here, now!

LEX           Haven't you ever heard of beauty sleep? (gripping the door frame) What the hell? (suddenly at full attention and instinctively growling and bristled)

ROSE         Calm, Lex. (she sighs) Lex, Ciaran, this is Ethan. (Ethan smiles a toothy grin at the boys) Ethan has some wonderful, fantastic library that he's going to show us.

CIARAN,  Lex  Books?

(Are CIARAN and LEX saying ‘Books?’ simultaneously?  I wasn’t sure about this bit.)

ROSE         Books that show us how to hunt a Hunter.

[Ciaran and Lex howl with excitement and Rose grins predatorily. Ethan takes a step back and puts a hand to his forehead, sure that he doesn't know what he got himself into.]

 

Final thoughts.  People rarely say exactly what they mean.  They don’t come out and say things like ‘I’m angry’.  (They now say ‘I’m frightrned’ a lot in the movies, but that is because they can’t act frightened.)  Find some sort of analogy for people to express their feelings through – in the above case, CIARAN and LEX’s hostility towards each other would be something ROSE would express as ‘they’re like the two ends of a running deer.  One day I’ll work which one is the arsehole’.  Well, if I had more time I’d think of a better one than that, but the point is she won’t say ‘they are antagonistic toward each other’.

The best writer of dialogue, in my opinion, is Raymond Chandler.  If you can get a hold of either the book or the movie of ‘The Blue Dahlia’ you will see some dialogue in there that is breathtaking.  Another good example of a very natural way of speaking is the 1951 ‘The Thing From Another World’ movie.  Just get a feel for the rhythm of the way they speak in that and you’ll start to write some really good dialogue.

I hope this helps.

Comments

[rubydreamer.livejournal.com]

It might be easier for everyone, if this is put behind a cut.

[captlychee.livejournal.com]

Quite right.

I have been making too many mistakes on LJ lately. Time I got my arse into gear.

[rubydreamer.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about it...I've made so many mistakes here myself.

[cursedbyartemis.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much.

I'm so used to writing pieces without much dialogue, this was really a change. I was about ready to scrap all of it and start over again.

Thank you for such thourough critique. I didn't even realize that I was making them speak the way that I write. I did know it was a bit over the top rather than natural and simple.

Your questions to certain things made me realize that even though this will go on and explain them more, some of them (like Lex's intentions towards Ciaran) will be evdent in facial expressions and others, like how Lex ended up joining the pack and whether its a "family" matter or not, simply the three are a pack and are always present for anything that goes on. However, I now have a way to change this scene so that one will not be concerned over family vs. pack, because essentially pack is more important than family. Some are meant to be left unexplained initially, but others need explanation now.


Thank you again. And I really appreciated the reading rec's.