Frist Chapter!
Nov. 6th, 2009 11:13 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
rosalinda-143.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
writers_loftSo as you know I've decided to take on a project about writing a book about bullying, and not just an informational book a story book about what was happening in my mind. If you want to know more just click here.
So here's the first chapter of the book. It's not long because I don't remember much but I'm sure it'll make a big impact on kids/teens and it might not be a novel but it definitely get's the point across.
Also it starts out a little blunt... so any suggestions on how to change that?
Are They Really Your Friends?
You hear this every day: stand up for yourself or don’t let them pick on you. You know something along those lines.
Teachers tell you all about bullies. You see books, novels, and short stories about bullies, being bullied, how to stop a bully.
The thing is that the adults who write these books have done the research and write the books… but have they actually gone through the experience? I mean I’m not trying to offend them but have they felt what the victims felt? When you read there books your not exactly seeing into the mind of a kid/teen going through the trauma of bullying your seeing into the mind of the adult who wants to teach you a lesson.
And the lesson they teach and how they teach it is good, because it just was. I mean it put confidence in the victim or anyone in general and it inspired a lot of shy people to speak up and stand up for themselves. I’ve even had teachers talk about bullying more than once at my school and its really good advice. But you never get the full experience of what’s going on in the mind of the victim.
And even worse, the teachers are forgetting a key part of bullying: manipulation. I hope this book teaches people just exactly how manipulation is bullying.
Now you get to see in the mind of a person going through the trauma, drama, and tears of bullying…
This is my story.
Apparently BFF Means BFF
We had just moved to a different town; still in the same state but I had to leave all my friends behind. I cried as we drove off. I had just finished saying goodbye to all the friends I’d made there.
I’m very, very shy so it would always be hard for me to make friends. I’d always tell myself that it wasn’t going to be so hard. I’ll I had to do was walk up and say hi. It was that easy, yet so difficult.
When we arrived at our new house I was sad but also excited. Our new house was big and amazing. It was nice and it had a giant back yard. We got out and ran to the front door. Mom was walking slower so my brother and I had to wait a couple of seconds. But seconds to a 7 year old is like minutes. My heart was pounding in my chest.
My mom finally unlocked the door and we ran in. The furniture was already there so we didn’t have to do much (our mom had dropped us off at school she went and moved all the furniture for us). I ran upstairs because that’s where my bedroom was going to be. The room was big and had a porch that led looked over the backyard. Just magnificent.
That weekend I was outside playing when a girl, who was bigger and taller than me, came down our steep driveway. I went to the gate cautious but curious. The girl smiled.
“Hi,” She said.
“Hi,” I say.
“My name’s Lynnette and I live across the street, what’s yours?” Lynnette asked.
“It’s nice to meet you Lynnette. My name is Rosie.” I reply. I shook her hand over the fence.
“Can I come in and play with you?” She asked pointing behind me to the yard.
I turn slightly. “Uh, let me go ask my mom first.” I say. “I’ll just be a minute.” Lynnette nods and I run the porch steps and into the house. Mom is watching T.V.
“Mom,” I say to get her attention. Her head turns in my direction. “There’s a girl from across the street. I was wondering if you’d let me play with her. Her name is Lynnette.” I added.
“Let me meet her first,” My mom answered. I nodded and headed to tell Lynnette.
“She says you can, but she’d like to meet you.” I said as I opened the gate.
Lynnette stepped in and I let her into the house. My mom and Lynnette talked a little then she sent us off to go play outside. We talked like girls do and ran around and played on the trampoline. This looked like the start a beautiful friendship. But boy was I wrong.
One Year Later
Third grade: every second grader’s dream. You weren’t in second grade anymore. You were a big kid and smarter than the first graders who were now second graders. The best part was that I was going to go to school with my BFF, Lynnette. I’d get to hang out with her at recess and, if I could, at home too! This was going to be a fun year.
The first day of school, kind of intimidating and scary. In this town when you were in third grade you went to a totally different school. It was big and daunting. But I had a friend and I’m sure I’d make more… if I got over my shyness at least.
A couple of days, maybe a week or two, prior to the first day of school we got our bus schedules and classroom numbers. Unfortunately I wasn’t in a class with Lynnette but we could still hand out at recess right?
So I walked in the front doors shy and looking down at my feet. Lynnette said goodbye and headed off to her class. I then headed off to mine. The classroom was filled with children and I didn’t know anyone. It was a little scary and I kept to myself as I waited for the bell to ring.
When the bell did ring the teacher told everyone to sit down and we could introduce ourselves. I met a lot of people that day and they were all nice and funny.
Several months had passed and the bullying had already started. Lynnette would always get mad at me for some small reason from saying hi to one of my mutual friends or to forgetting to say hi to her at all.
I was sitting on the bus completely unaware of what was coming. I guess I did something wrong today because Lynnette came up to me with a mean look on her face.
“Why are you sitting there?” She asked looking mad.
“Um, because I want to.” I said a little shocked she would be mad I’m sitting here.
“Why aren’t you sitting with me?” She asked bluntly gesturing toward a seat a couple rows in front of me.
“Well I just wanted to sit here today.” I answered shrugging. Lynnette snorted.
“If your not going to sit with me then I’m not going to be your friend.” She sneered. I was frozen. I was heartbroken. She was my only friend here and now I didn’t have anyone. I didn’t know what to say to that. Seeing that I wasn’t going to answer Lynnette stomped off and sat down in her seat and stared out the window.
Still in a state of shock I turned and roughly moved my backpack so I could sit by my window too. I saved the tears until I got home.
I cried as my mom held me and I told her what happened. She stroked my back comfortingly and tried to get me to calm down. She kept saying comforting things like, I could talk to her tomorrow, but it still took a while for me to calm down. When I did she told me to wash my face and change into some pajamas.
Then I would watch T.V. with her until my bedtime. Talking to my mom always helped ease the pain.
Then next morning I got up with a dreary outlook. I didn’t have any friends and now I had to wait for the bus with her, and believe it or not but the bus stop was actually Lynnette’s driveway: how awkward and a little scary. My heart rate sped up as I went to wait for the bus. I was planning to talk to Lynnette. I wanted to make up and be BFF’s again.
I heard the door open. I looked behind me my heart going wild. She slammed the door and walked down the stairs, her sister Carter followed. She went to our school, fifth grade.
I opened my mouth to say something but I lost the nerved and stared down at my feet instead. Lynnette was doing the same. When the bus finally sputtered up Carter got on first, me second and Lynnette last. Carter went to sit with her friends in the back. I took the next seat that was available, which was near the middle.
Then surprisingly Lynnette sat down next to me. This shocked me even more. I was stunned. I thought she hated me and now there she was sitting next to me smiling.
“Hey, how are you?” She asked.
It took me a moment to answer her. I was still stunned. “Uh… fine I guess. You?”
She shrugged. “Good I guess.” I turned to face the front as the bus started.
When we got to school Lynnette said goodbye and headed off to class. I too headed off to class my head reeling. Why was Lynnette being friendly to me? She had just said yesterday that she wasn’t going to be my friend. What changed? We didn’t even make up and for some reason that really bothered me.
But I shrugged it off. I had a friend now and I was happy.
The next week the cycle continued except this time it was a different thing, but still small. The next week after that it happened again and again and again until the summer. We had made up by the end of summer. We hung out a lot during those warm, breezy summer days. I would always see if she could hang out or sleep over. We didn’t have fights then because she was the only one I really could hang out with: my only friend.
I remember one day we had just gotten back from shopping and mom said I could get a new toy cell phone. So I picked one that talked when I pressed the buttons. I wanted to get home and pretend to talk to friends on it. It was fun pretending I had a cell phone. I wanted a real one but mom said I wasn’t old enough yet.
So anyway I asked if I could invite Lynette over to play. We had just come up with this new game where my brother Todd would “capture” us and either Lynnette or I would save each other and what was fun we’d do it all on the trampoline so we could bounce and it’d be twice as fun.
I ran over to her house and rang the doorbell. Lynnette answered.
“Hey, you wanna come over? I just got a new toy and can’t wait to play with it.” I said excited and breathless.
“Yeah, sure, let me ask my mom.” She said. I nodded and she shut the door. I looked around. It was a nice day out. Sunny, a breeze the wind chimes were chiming and the leaves of the trees were a luscious bright green. The door opened and I looked at Lynnette excitedly waiting for the answer.
“She said yes,” Lynnette said now just as excited as I was. I cheered and she stepped out. Then we walked over to my house.
“You can go get on the tramp, I’ll be out in a second with my new cell.” I said proudly. Lynnette nodded and I headed inside.
When I came out I got on the trampoline (tramp for short) and showed her the phone. The first words out of her mouth were: “Can I play with that one?”
My smile faded. “Well- well I kinda wanted to play with that. But I have another one that you could use–” I started quickly explained.
“I’m not going to play with you if you don’t let me play with this one.” She said interrupting me. I thought about that before I answered. I’d rather have someone to play with than be by myself. I sighed internally.
“Okay, I’ll just play with my other one.” I said trying to sound like I wasn’t sad that I didn’t even get to play with my new toy. So I handed Lynnette my new phone and went to get an improv phone. It was actually my handheld Scooby game. It had a touch screen, but wasn’t as advanced as the I-Phones of today.
You can guess what she said as soon as she saw what I had.
“Oh, can I play with that one instead?” She asked looking at the little toy in my hand with bright eyes.
I looked at her cautiously. “Then can I have the other one back?” I asked.
She nodded furiously. “Yeah, sure, here you go.” Lynnette handed the talking phone over and I gave her the “flip phone.” Every since then all she wanted was that handheld. I always tried to convincer her that it was my turn but she wavered me by saying she wouldn’t play with me unless she got that one. Or she would give me the handheld but be all depressed until I felt bad and gave it to her to make her feel better.
Another word for that: guilt trip. The saddest part is I didn’t even know that Lynnette was bullying me.
That first year was horrible and I couldn’t stand when Lynnette did that to me. Would you believe that I was still Lynnette’s friend after all that happened?
So critique me baby! Thanks again!
peace.love.happiness.
- Rosie
ps. - The names are changed for personal reasons.
pps. - Don't be too harsh on me, but I want all you've got... does that make sense. Oh and yes I do know I have a double negative but I didn't know another way to word that... suggestions?
So here's the first chapter of the book. It's not long because I don't remember much but I'm sure it'll make a big impact on kids/teens and it might not be a novel but it definitely get's the point across.
Also it starts out a little blunt... so any suggestions on how to change that?
Are They Really Your Friends?
You hear this every day: stand up for yourself or don’t let them pick on you. You know something along those lines.
Teachers tell you all about bullies. You see books, novels, and short stories about bullies, being bullied, how to stop a bully.
The thing is that the adults who write these books have done the research and write the books… but have they actually gone through the experience? I mean I’m not trying to offend them but have they felt what the victims felt? When you read there books your not exactly seeing into the mind of a kid/teen going through the trauma of bullying your seeing into the mind of the adult who wants to teach you a lesson.
And the lesson they teach and how they teach it is good, because it just was. I mean it put confidence in the victim or anyone in general and it inspired a lot of shy people to speak up and stand up for themselves. I’ve even had teachers talk about bullying more than once at my school and its really good advice. But you never get the full experience of what’s going on in the mind of the victim.
And even worse, the teachers are forgetting a key part of bullying: manipulation. I hope this book teaches people just exactly how manipulation is bullying.
Now you get to see in the mind of a person going through the trauma, drama, and tears of bullying…
This is my story.
Apparently BFF Means BFF
We had just moved to a different town; still in the same state but I had to leave all my friends behind. I cried as we drove off. I had just finished saying goodbye to all the friends I’d made there.
I’m very, very shy so it would always be hard for me to make friends. I’d always tell myself that it wasn’t going to be so hard. I’ll I had to do was walk up and say hi. It was that easy, yet so difficult.
When we arrived at our new house I was sad but also excited. Our new house was big and amazing. It was nice and it had a giant back yard. We got out and ran to the front door. Mom was walking slower so my brother and I had to wait a couple of seconds. But seconds to a 7 year old is like minutes. My heart was pounding in my chest.
My mom finally unlocked the door and we ran in. The furniture was already there so we didn’t have to do much (our mom had dropped us off at school she went and moved all the furniture for us). I ran upstairs because that’s where my bedroom was going to be. The room was big and had a porch that led looked over the backyard. Just magnificent.
That weekend I was outside playing when a girl, who was bigger and taller than me, came down our steep driveway. I went to the gate cautious but curious. The girl smiled.
“Hi,” She said.
“Hi,” I say.
“My name’s Lynnette and I live across the street, what’s yours?” Lynnette asked.
“It’s nice to meet you Lynnette. My name is Rosie.” I reply. I shook her hand over the fence.
“Can I come in and play with you?” She asked pointing behind me to the yard.
I turn slightly. “Uh, let me go ask my mom first.” I say. “I’ll just be a minute.” Lynnette nods and I run the porch steps and into the house. Mom is watching T.V.
“Mom,” I say to get her attention. Her head turns in my direction. “There’s a girl from across the street. I was wondering if you’d let me play with her. Her name is Lynnette.” I added.
“Let me meet her first,” My mom answered. I nodded and headed to tell Lynnette.
“She says you can, but she’d like to meet you.” I said as I opened the gate.
Lynnette stepped in and I let her into the house. My mom and Lynnette talked a little then she sent us off to go play outside. We talked like girls do and ran around and played on the trampoline. This looked like the start a beautiful friendship. But boy was I wrong.
One Year Later
Third grade: every second grader’s dream. You weren’t in second grade anymore. You were a big kid and smarter than the first graders who were now second graders. The best part was that I was going to go to school with my BFF, Lynnette. I’d get to hang out with her at recess and, if I could, at home too! This was going to be a fun year.
The first day of school, kind of intimidating and scary. In this town when you were in third grade you went to a totally different school. It was big and daunting. But I had a friend and I’m sure I’d make more… if I got over my shyness at least.
A couple of days, maybe a week or two, prior to the first day of school we got our bus schedules and classroom numbers. Unfortunately I wasn’t in a class with Lynnette but we could still hand out at recess right?
So I walked in the front doors shy and looking down at my feet. Lynnette said goodbye and headed off to her class. I then headed off to mine. The classroom was filled with children and I didn’t know anyone. It was a little scary and I kept to myself as I waited for the bell to ring.
When the bell did ring the teacher told everyone to sit down and we could introduce ourselves. I met a lot of people that day and they were all nice and funny.
Several months had passed and the bullying had already started. Lynnette would always get mad at me for some small reason from saying hi to one of my mutual friends or to forgetting to say hi to her at all.
I was sitting on the bus completely unaware of what was coming. I guess I did something wrong today because Lynnette came up to me with a mean look on her face.
“Why are you sitting there?” She asked looking mad.
“Um, because I want to.” I said a little shocked she would be mad I’m sitting here.
“Why aren’t you sitting with me?” She asked bluntly gesturing toward a seat a couple rows in front of me.
“Well I just wanted to sit here today.” I answered shrugging. Lynnette snorted.
“If your not going to sit with me then I’m not going to be your friend.” She sneered. I was frozen. I was heartbroken. She was my only friend here and now I didn’t have anyone. I didn’t know what to say to that. Seeing that I wasn’t going to answer Lynnette stomped off and sat down in her seat and stared out the window.
Still in a state of shock I turned and roughly moved my backpack so I could sit by my window too. I saved the tears until I got home.
I cried as my mom held me and I told her what happened. She stroked my back comfortingly and tried to get me to calm down. She kept saying comforting things like, I could talk to her tomorrow, but it still took a while for me to calm down. When I did she told me to wash my face and change into some pajamas.
Then I would watch T.V. with her until my bedtime. Talking to my mom always helped ease the pain.
Then next morning I got up with a dreary outlook. I didn’t have any friends and now I had to wait for the bus with her, and believe it or not but the bus stop was actually Lynnette’s driveway: how awkward and a little scary. My heart rate sped up as I went to wait for the bus. I was planning to talk to Lynnette. I wanted to make up and be BFF’s again.
I heard the door open. I looked behind me my heart going wild. She slammed the door and walked down the stairs, her sister Carter followed. She went to our school, fifth grade.
I opened my mouth to say something but I lost the nerved and stared down at my feet instead. Lynnette was doing the same. When the bus finally sputtered up Carter got on first, me second and Lynnette last. Carter went to sit with her friends in the back. I took the next seat that was available, which was near the middle.
Then surprisingly Lynnette sat down next to me. This shocked me even more. I was stunned. I thought she hated me and now there she was sitting next to me smiling.
“Hey, how are you?” She asked.
It took me a moment to answer her. I was still stunned. “Uh… fine I guess. You?”
She shrugged. “Good I guess.” I turned to face the front as the bus started.
When we got to school Lynnette said goodbye and headed off to class. I too headed off to class my head reeling. Why was Lynnette being friendly to me? She had just said yesterday that she wasn’t going to be my friend. What changed? We didn’t even make up and for some reason that really bothered me.
But I shrugged it off. I had a friend now and I was happy.
The next week the cycle continued except this time it was a different thing, but still small. The next week after that it happened again and again and again until the summer. We had made up by the end of summer. We hung out a lot during those warm, breezy summer days. I would always see if she could hang out or sleep over. We didn’t have fights then because she was the only one I really could hang out with: my only friend.
I remember one day we had just gotten back from shopping and mom said I could get a new toy cell phone. So I picked one that talked when I pressed the buttons. I wanted to get home and pretend to talk to friends on it. It was fun pretending I had a cell phone. I wanted a real one but mom said I wasn’t old enough yet.
So anyway I asked if I could invite Lynette over to play. We had just come up with this new game where my brother Todd would “capture” us and either Lynnette or I would save each other and what was fun we’d do it all on the trampoline so we could bounce and it’d be twice as fun.
I ran over to her house and rang the doorbell. Lynnette answered.
“Hey, you wanna come over? I just got a new toy and can’t wait to play with it.” I said excited and breathless.
“Yeah, sure, let me ask my mom.” She said. I nodded and she shut the door. I looked around. It was a nice day out. Sunny, a breeze the wind chimes were chiming and the leaves of the trees were a luscious bright green. The door opened and I looked at Lynnette excitedly waiting for the answer.
“She said yes,” Lynnette said now just as excited as I was. I cheered and she stepped out. Then we walked over to my house.
“You can go get on the tramp, I’ll be out in a second with my new cell.” I said proudly. Lynnette nodded and I headed inside.
When I came out I got on the trampoline (tramp for short) and showed her the phone. The first words out of her mouth were: “Can I play with that one?”
My smile faded. “Well- well I kinda wanted to play with that. But I have another one that you could use–” I started quickly explained.
“I’m not going to play with you if you don’t let me play with this one.” She said interrupting me. I thought about that before I answered. I’d rather have someone to play with than be by myself. I sighed internally.
“Okay, I’ll just play with my other one.” I said trying to sound like I wasn’t sad that I didn’t even get to play with my new toy. So I handed Lynnette my new phone and went to get an improv phone. It was actually my handheld Scooby game. It had a touch screen, but wasn’t as advanced as the I-Phones of today.
You can guess what she said as soon as she saw what I had.
“Oh, can I play with that one instead?” She asked looking at the little toy in my hand with bright eyes.
I looked at her cautiously. “Then can I have the other one back?” I asked.
She nodded furiously. “Yeah, sure, here you go.” Lynnette handed the talking phone over and I gave her the “flip phone.” Every since then all she wanted was that handheld. I always tried to convincer her that it was my turn but she wavered me by saying she wouldn’t play with me unless she got that one. Or she would give me the handheld but be all depressed until I felt bad and gave it to her to make her feel better.
Another word for that: guilt trip. The saddest part is I didn’t even know that Lynnette was bullying me.
That first year was horrible and I couldn’t stand when Lynnette did that to me. Would you believe that I was still Lynnette’s friend after all that happened?
So critique me baby! Thanks again!
peace.love.happiness.
- Rosie
ps. - The names are changed for personal reasons.
pps. - Don't be too harsh on me, but I want all you've got... does that make sense. Oh and yes I do know I have a double negative but I didn't know another way to word that... suggestions?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-11-08 01:36 am (UTC)"We had just moved to a different town; still in the same state but I had to leave all my friends behind. I cried as we drove off. I had just finished saying goodbye to all the friends I’d made there."
Remove the repetition: you've already stated you had left all your friends behind.
"I’m very, very shy so it would always be hard for me to make friends. I’d always tell myself that it wasn’t going to be so hard. I’ll I had to do was walk up and say hi. It was that easy, yet so difficult."
You may still be shy to this day, but change the first statement to the past tense so it fits the rest of the story. Otherwise it reads like your current shyness is the cause of your past difficulty in making friends.
"When we arrived at our new house I was sad but also excited. Our new house was big and amazing. It was nice and it had a giant back yard. We got out and ran to the front door. Mom was walking slower so my brother and I had to wait a couple of seconds. But seconds to a 7 year old is like minutes. My heart was pounding in my chest."
It seems like you're trying to use the voice of your past childhood self. I am also puzzled at the lengthy description of you and your family arriving at the house: you could've easily ended it at "giant backyard." and let the reader fill out the details. This whole paragraph seems to foreshadow something exciting, but then..
"My mom finally unlocked the door and we ran in. The furniture was already there so we didn’t have to do much (our mom had dropped us off at school she went and moved all the furniture for us). I ran upstairs because that’s where my bedroom was going to be. The room was big and had a porch that led looked over the backyard. Just magnificent."
So.. The entire bit about your heart pounding in your chest and all this excitement and so on leads us to the furniture already being there and what your bedroom was like? It seems a lot of writing for just another piece of description that, again, could have been completely erased with the reader no worse off.
"That weekend I was outside playing when a girl, who was bigger and taller than me, came down our steep driveway. I went to the gate cautious but curious. The girl smiled.
“Hi,” She said.
“Hi,” I say."
Fix the last say to said. Same thing a bit later "My name is Rosie.” I reply." should be changed to replied. Actually reading on it seems you change the tense entirely from past to present. Pick one or the other, I'd recommend sticking with past tense. Another thing that sticks out to me with the whole introduction to this new character is that you keep repeating her name: Lynette, Lynette, Lynette.
"Lynnette stepped in and I let her into the house. My mom and Lynnette talked a little then she sent us off to go play outside. We talked like girls do and ran around and played on the trampoline. This looked like the start a beautiful friendship. But boy was I wrong."
Two other things also stick out here. One is a simple typo, you missed 'of' in 'the start a beautiful friendship'. The second is "We talked like girls do" which I find simply puzzling. I wasn't aware girls talk differently from boys. You might want to clarify or simply erase that.
You then have the headline "One Year Later" but goes on to say that you are starting out in your new school. I'm left thinking you made an error until you mention "In this town when you were in third grade you went to a totally different school." So we skipped a whole year? You might want to put in something about you and Lynette becoming BFFs for seemingly real during that skipped chunk of time or similar, to keep the reader from becoming confused like I did.
"we could still hand out at recess right?" Typo, hand should be hang.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-08 01:36 am (UTC)"Several months had passed and the bullying had already started. Lynnette would always get mad at me for some small reason from saying hi to one of my mutual friends or to forgetting to say hi to her at all.
I was sitting on the bus completely unaware of what was coming. I guess I did something wrong today because Lynnette came up to me with a mean look on her face."
More puzzlement on my part. Having your supposed friend act all jealous and high drama does not equal being bullied to most people. I'd like more detail, clarify what had already pushed it across the line from the relatively silly sounding 'she got mad because I paid attention to someone else' to her actually bullying you. Also, change "wrong today" to "wrong that day".
Reading through the rest of your story all the way to the end I'm still puzzled. This does not read like you were bullied. It reads like Lynette wasn't the best friend in the world and likely had problems, especially with the odd jealousy and such. But I don't see any abuse. At most it might qualify as bullying in the way she was using emotional manipulation, but you either need to really bring that point across more strongly or find another story to use as your focus. Alternatively stop thinking it is a book about bullying and refocus on writing a book about your childhood.
no subject
Date: 2009-11-12 12:11 am (UTC)"'Hi,' She said.
'Hi,' I say.
'My name’s Lynnette and I live across the street, what’s yours?' Lynnette asked.
'It’s nice to meet you Lynnette. My name is Rosie.' I reply. I shook her hand over the fence."
You go from "said," past-tense, to "say," present-tense. This continues on throughout your story. You can't have it both ways, and like I said, it must be one or the other. It you wanted it to be past-tense, this is how the above portion should look:
"'Hi,' she said.
'Hi,' I said.
'My name’s Lynnette and I live across the street, what’s yours?' Lynnette asked.
'It’s nice to meet you Lynnette. My name is Rosie.' I replied. I shook her hand over the fence."
And vice versa if you wanted to do present-tense.
Overall, the above comments were some good critique, you should listen to them. And good job!
Remember, editing, re-writing, and making endless mistakes is all part of writing. In fact, I don't think there is a single writer out there that doesn't do any of that.
Best wishes :)
no subject
Date: 2009-11-12 02:48 am (UTC)Thanks again!