Prolouge, maybe?

[sopeerocks.livejournal.com]

I originally wrote this piece as an entry for a contest, but I just want some feedback
on it, and maybe I will continue on with it. Just tell me what you think.

"Rosa," he choked. His voice was the same thick velvet that I had always remembered.

The blackness wavered and he appeared, standing in front of me with a lost look in his eyes.
They were still the same deep brown color I had fallen in love with; they captured me in just
the same way they used to.

He stepped forward, and I saw a tear slide down his pale cheek.

"Rosa," he repeated, "I'm waiting for you."

He was so pale. His face, his arms, everything; pale like a porcelain doll.

Another tear ran out as he dropped his head at my silence. He looked so real, sounded so
real. Somewhere deep inside I knew he that he wasn't, that he couldn't be, but I wanted to believe.

"Chris," I whispered.

He jerked his head up at the sound of my voice, taking my hand in his icy cold grip. His hands
were hard and lifeless. "I'll be waiting forever Rosa."

The air wavered again and his image began to fade. "Chris," I whispered again as he continued
to dissolve into the darkness, as if I could somehow pull him back.

"Forever Rosa, forever I will wait," his voice echoed through the sea of black emptiness as the
dream fell apart.

Suddenly I was awake, sitting up in bed. The blue glow of the alarm clock radiated out, dimly
illuminating the small room. It read three thirty-five.

Everything was silent, except for the faint buzzing of cars in the distance. I pulled back the curtain
above my bed, peering through the blinds and outside. The street was empty and tinted with the
night, except for the neighbor's glowing Christmas lights.

I half expected someone to be walking around; drunk and lonely, looking for his way home and
not remembering that he had none. But the neighborhood was still and undisturbed; an eerie
essence pulsing through it's darkness.

Feeling my eyelids get heavy I laid back down and thought about my dream. My dream about Chris.
When was the last time I'd dreamt about him? It must of been months ago, before the accident.

I felt sick thinking about it. I turned onto my side, succumbing to the sleep.

And again I dreamt.

***

I was immersed in endless white; I could hear whispers all around me.

"Yeah she's the one... her boyfriend was killed... it's horrible... I can't imagine..."

Whisper after whisper, they wouldn't stop. I tried to block them out, covering my ears and squeezing my
eyes shut. But they kept drilling themselves into my mind. They wouldn't stop.



Reading it now, as I type it, I think, "Wow, what shitty writing." It sounded so much better when I read it
aloud. Please, any feedback no matter how harsh.

Comments

[rosalinda-143.livejournal.com]

Well, it was good. But you could add maybe more of what Rosa if feeling [becuase it's first person right?]. And usually in a first person you get to know the protagonist personally, you get to see what they think, what they feel, etc. etc. Things like that.

For now, that's all I got. Other than that I thought it was good! ^.^ Are you planning to write more, meaning novel... story [about 300 pages or less] or just a short story. You got me reeled in! ^.^

peace.love.happiness.

- Rosie

[starlight83.livejournal.com]

Overall, I liked it. But there area a few places that could use some polishing.

"Rosa," he choked.

I think you should change the tag here since a person can't actually "choke" dialogue. I think I get what you're going for, but there's probably a more elegant word.

He was so pale. His face, his arms, everything; pale like a porcelain doll.

I liked this line. I like it more now that I've read the whole thing, because it's a nice, subtle description that he's not real and he's not alive.

"I'll be waiting forever Rosa."

Should be: "I'll be waiting forever, Rosa."

"Forever Rosa, forever I will wait," his voice echoed through the sea of black emptiness as the dream fell apart.

This isn't correctly punctuated and is a bit awkward besides. The dialogue here is melodramatic. Something simpler might have better effect. Since he's disappearing at this point, you could have him trail off or be unable to complete his sentence, sort of like he wasn't done talking to her and she wasn't done talking to him but neither of them have a choice at this point. (Maybe just: "Forever, Rosa...")

I pulled back the curtain above my bed, peering through the blinds and outside.

She has both curtains and blinds? That's okay if that's what you intended. I just wasn't sure.

I half expected someone to be walking around; drunk and lonely, looking for his way home and not remembering that he had none. But the neighborhood was still and undisturbed; an eerie essence pulsing through it's darkness.

These semi-colons aren't being used correctly. Replace them with commas.

I think this probably does need something more to be really effective. More details on how he died, whether she feels responsible, how she's struggling to deal with it, etc. It works as is, but in a general kind of way that speaks only to the pain of losing someone but not to Rosa's particular circumstances.

[sopeerocks.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much. I appreciate your help and feedback.
I will be sure to take everything you said into consideration.
:)

[misskaywrites.livejournal.com]

I really enjoyed it, actually. I want to read more, more, more! Be sure to add more, and I agree with everything starligh83 said.


-kay.<e

[alonsoelbueno.livejournal.com]

Style's not bad. Maybe a bit too short a piece to feel where the story will go. But if you think of it as "shitty writing', you will not go anywhere:)

[sopeerocks.livejournal.com]

Thanks, I like most of what you said. I have to admit, I am
not sure I would cut out "like a porcelain doll." But your advice
is great.

[swallowyrsleep.livejournal.com]

Hey, love your prologue! I tried to comment your journal, but you set that to friends only, so then I tried to send you a message, but I guess you set that to friends only also, ha ha. So anyway, wanna be friends? I'd love to read more of your work if you don't mind!

[sopeerocks.livejournal.com]

Haha sorry about that! I appreciate your love of my prolouge!
I added you as a friend, look forward to reading any writing
or journals of yours!