Question for you all

[bigfrog76.livejournal.com]

 Would this first line make you want to read more?


When my half-brother’s Sage and Gabriel asked if I’d like to join them in opening a business I jumped at the chance figuratively speaking since I am in a wheelchair. 

Thanks

Comments

[wordswoman.livejournal.com]

Perhaps, but you'd need to fix the spelling and punctuation errors. If an editor sees mistakes like that in the very first sentence, your submission is history.

[duke-flieg.livejournal.com]

To wordswoman's comment I would add the opinion that the fact that Sage and Gabriel are your half-brothers is irrelevant to the beginning of the story. I would also add that the phrase "jumped at the chance" is inherently figurative, so the rest of the sentence is clearly just a vehicle to show that the protagonist is in a wheelchair. As such it is clunky, and that would make me tend to put the book down. If it is important (and I presume that it is) work it into the next few sentences.

To me the whole concept of a single "first line" that will hook the reader is flawed. Yes, the first line will determine whether I read the second. If it's bloody awful, the book closes. However, I will usually read at least the first paragraph, no matter what.

[artofange.livejournal.com]

"Jumped at the chance, and that's why I'm in a wheelchair" would grab me more. But of course, you'd have to rewrite your story for that.

[sh-laine.livejournal.com]

For me, the opening sentence isn't the deciding factor. I read the first 250-300 words (about a half a page) before I decide. While I like strong opening sentences and even more strong first paragraphs, I expect the writer to give me the reason to read further on the first page. I want to find something that I care about and the initial orientation into the story. Voice is important, too.

In my opinion, your first sentence isn't a strong one. You give information that isn't relevant at the beginning (my half-brothers, I am in a wheelchair) and you use a cliche "jump at the chance". The expression "figuratively speaking" draws me out of the story when I'm just stepping in.

Laine

[tia-junan.livejournal.com]

It would be more interesting if I knew what kind of business it was. it might have more impact that way if, say, it was a venture where a wheelchair might be expected to be a hindrance, idk, such as skydiving school or something.

Also, I'm not sure if the possessive 'half-brother's' is correct.

I usually find the first person very personal and engaging and would probably want to read more considering the first person here tells me I'm going to get a unique life perspective.

The half brothers names are unique and interesting.

For what it's worth - from ki