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writers_loftI wrote this waaaay back when I was about 21 or 22, so, about seven or eight years ago. Please tell me if there are parts that don't make sense. I've already found and revised several mistakes.
CHAPTER ONE
The continent of Mala’hek lies on a planet whose name has been forgotten, if it was ever named in the first place. That planet is a little larger than Earth, but other than that, very much like it. The Mala’hekians were, for all intents and purposes, a peaceful people; but then, their legends about the ocean that surrounded Mala’hek made them believe they were the only people on the planet. Mala’hekians’ average height was about three and a half feet, give or take; and they all had skin the color of a clear sky on Earth, as well as wings, which they could use to fly from danger if need be.
Vru of Mala'hek sat on the grass (or something similar to grass) and looked winsomely at his lovemate, Gaira. Gaira's half-sister, Emyll, sat behind a nearby dheku bush and watched seethingly. Vru was rightfully hers, and that little twit of a sister had no right to take him from her. Emyll's pale blue skin darkened with anger. Vru was hers. And she would get him back.
Unaware of the uninvited guest, Gaira collected some aratenu flowers—pale yellow things half-hidden in the “grass”—and breathed in their intoxicating aroma. She weaved them through her hair and Vru commented on the scent.
"Nobody can wear aratenus like you, Gaira," Vru said. Emyll flashed with indignation. If he wanted aratenus, then he would get aratenus. She swiped up some of the flowers, crushing half in the process, and proceeded to stick them helter-skelter in her black hair, as well. She emerged from behind the dheku bush and plopped down between Vru and Gaira.
"Lovely day, isn't it?" she cooed. Vru looked at her quizzically.
"What are those in your hair?" he said, regarding the messy blooms.
"Aratenu flowers," Emyll chirped. "Aren't they just divine?"
"Yes ... divine..." Vru stammered.
"What are you doing here?" Gaira said. "You know Vru is my lovem—” She stopped abruptly, and stared at the shining thing in Emyll's hands. Emyll had stopped acting suddenly—she never liked acting “nice” to begin with—and in her jealous rage, had brandished the sword she usually kept sheathed. All the Mala'hekians had swords, but Gaira and Vru, not knowing that they might need theirs, had left them at home. Emyll's eyes flashed yellow with envy and Gaira shrieked.
"Vru! She's … you have to … go get help!" The words had to force themselves out of her mouth. However, before he could fly away, Emyll cast the Unconscious spell on Vru, causing him to black out and collapse. He would not remember what had happened when he regained consciousness some fifteen minutes later, and indeed would forget what had happened immediately before he collapsed. The Unconscious spell was very useful, Emyll thought.
"Now then," said Emyll, licking her indigo lips, "where were we? Oh yes, I was just about to kill you!"
Gaira backed away, and slipped on some wet leaves. "Kill me? Why? We’re sisters!" She would have flown away, but in her panic, had forgotten about her wings.
"Half-sisters, you little idiot," said Emyll darkly, "and if you must know, I’m going to kill you so you won’t get in the way of Vru and me.”
"Vru and—you! What on Mala'hek do you mean?"
"I mean," said Emyll, looking at her reflection in the gleaming metal, "that once I'm rid of you, Vru will be mine."
For a moment Gaira could not speak. She sat there and stared at her sister, holding that sword as if it were a stick. So this was what it all came down to. She was going to die so that her smutty sister could have her lovemate. Well, that was just not going to happen. She rose and lunged forward—
—and fell back to the ground, violet blood spilling out of a gaping chest wound. Emyll's now-purple sword somehow found its way out of the body and back into the sheath. As if by magic, all traces of blood and tissue disappeared off the sword. Emyll had cast a spell over it so that it would do that, and she would not arouse suspicion. It only worked once, which may or may not have been good for her. In this case, it was good. Very good—but it would not be so good later.
"Now, all I have to do is wait until Vru wakes up…" She had barely spoken the words when she heard a stirring nearby. Vru raised himself on one arm groggily and happened to look over at Gaira, who did not move. The Unconscious spell had worn off completely by this time and Vru leapt to his feet and rushed over to Emyll and Gaira.
"By Goddess Akamure! What happened?" Vru knelt next to the dead Gaira and looked at Emyll, who was sniffling.
"Oh—Vru! It's all so terrible! I tried to stop him! I really tried!"
"Stop who? Emyll, who killed Gaira?"
"There was … there was this … sniff … man … and he said … if I didn't give him … five thousand keiries, he would … he would … kill … Gaira!" More fake sniffs and sobs. "And I didn't … have … five thousand keiries … and I told him that … and he … and he … he … killed her!" Emyll's performance was quite convincing, even without the memory-loss effects of the Unconscious spell she’d cast on Vru. She pretended to weep uncontrollably, and covered her face with her hands—although this was only because she didn’t want Vru to see that she wasn’t shedding any tears.
"Did he say his name?" Vru asked. He didn't see through Emyll's act; it was that good.
"Of course not, you idi—I mean, no! He didn't *sniff* say his name. But he did say that … he would be back. I want him dead, Vru!" Emyll looked at him with pleading iceblue eyes. "I want him—dead!"
"Let me see your sword." Vru's eyes were equally iceblue, as were all the Mala'hekians' eyes.
Not having any blood on the sword to condemn her, Emyll gladly handed it over. It glowed bright yellow for a fraction of a second upon leaving Emyll’s hands and being placed in Vru's. This did not warrant any suspicion as all the Mala'hek swords did that. If the other person was evil, the yellow glow would stay and the sword would become hot and unwieldable.
"Hm. Nothing, as far as I can see. Emyll, what did he look like?" Vru handed the sword back to Emyll and she stuck it back in her sheath.
"We—ll," Emyll pretended to think hard for several moments, "uh, he had … blue skin, and blue eyes … oh and his hair was long … and he was about four feet tall”—four feet was considered rather tall—about equal to six and a half feet on Earth—"aaaand, um, he … he was wearing a green tunic … which clashed with his skin. Blue-skinned people should not wear green, in my opinion."
"Never mind your fashion qualms," said Vru. "Was he riding a horse?"
"I don't know."
"It wouldn't be too hard to figure out. Think, now. Was he on top of a large, four-legged creature? If he was, then—he probably was riding a horse, now, wasn't he?" The corner of Vru's mouth rose in a small smirk. But Emyll didn't notice, as she was staring past Vru to whoever had just come up behind him.
"VRU! IT'S HIM! THAT MAN KILLED GAIRA! KILL HIM NOW! KILL HIM!" Emyll's piercing shrieks reverberated in the forest. Vru didn't look at the man's face as he grabbed Emyll's sword that she handed to him and plunged it blindly into the intruder's stomach. Then Vru's blinding rage disappeared and he saw the Mala'hekian he had killed.
His brother.
---------
BTW, Emyll's name is pronounced "em-EEL", not "EM-ull."
CHAPTER ONE
The continent of Mala’hek lies on a planet whose name has been forgotten, if it was ever named in the first place. That planet is a little larger than Earth, but other than that, very much like it. The Mala’hekians were, for all intents and purposes, a peaceful people; but then, their legends about the ocean that surrounded Mala’hek made them believe they were the only people on the planet. Mala’hekians’ average height was about three and a half feet, give or take; and they all had skin the color of a clear sky on Earth, as well as wings, which they could use to fly from danger if need be.
Vru of Mala'hek sat on the grass (or something similar to grass) and looked winsomely at his lovemate, Gaira. Gaira's half-sister, Emyll, sat behind a nearby dheku bush and watched seethingly. Vru was rightfully hers, and that little twit of a sister had no right to take him from her. Emyll's pale blue skin darkened with anger. Vru was hers. And she would get him back.
Unaware of the uninvited guest, Gaira collected some aratenu flowers—pale yellow things half-hidden in the “grass”—and breathed in their intoxicating aroma. She weaved them through her hair and Vru commented on the scent.
"Nobody can wear aratenus like you, Gaira," Vru said. Emyll flashed with indignation. If he wanted aratenus, then he would get aratenus. She swiped up some of the flowers, crushing half in the process, and proceeded to stick them helter-skelter in her black hair, as well. She emerged from behind the dheku bush and plopped down between Vru and Gaira.
"Lovely day, isn't it?" she cooed. Vru looked at her quizzically.
"What are those in your hair?" he said, regarding the messy blooms.
"Aratenu flowers," Emyll chirped. "Aren't they just divine?"
"Yes ... divine..." Vru stammered.
"What are you doing here?" Gaira said. "You know Vru is my lovem—” She stopped abruptly, and stared at the shining thing in Emyll's hands. Emyll had stopped acting suddenly—she never liked acting “nice” to begin with—and in her jealous rage, had brandished the sword she usually kept sheathed. All the Mala'hekians had swords, but Gaira and Vru, not knowing that they might need theirs, had left them at home. Emyll's eyes flashed yellow with envy and Gaira shrieked.
"Vru! She's … you have to … go get help!" The words had to force themselves out of her mouth. However, before he could fly away, Emyll cast the Unconscious spell on Vru, causing him to black out and collapse. He would not remember what had happened when he regained consciousness some fifteen minutes later, and indeed would forget what had happened immediately before he collapsed. The Unconscious spell was very useful, Emyll thought.
"Now then," said Emyll, licking her indigo lips, "where were we? Oh yes, I was just about to kill you!"
Gaira backed away, and slipped on some wet leaves. "Kill me? Why? We’re sisters!" She would have flown away, but in her panic, had forgotten about her wings.
"Half-sisters, you little idiot," said Emyll darkly, "and if you must know, I’m going to kill you so you won’t get in the way of Vru and me.”
"Vru and—you! What on Mala'hek do you mean?"
"I mean," said Emyll, looking at her reflection in the gleaming metal, "that once I'm rid of you, Vru will be mine."
For a moment Gaira could not speak. She sat there and stared at her sister, holding that sword as if it were a stick. So this was what it all came down to. She was going to die so that her smutty sister could have her lovemate. Well, that was just not going to happen. She rose and lunged forward—
—and fell back to the ground, violet blood spilling out of a gaping chest wound. Emyll's now-purple sword somehow found its way out of the body and back into the sheath. As if by magic, all traces of blood and tissue disappeared off the sword. Emyll had cast a spell over it so that it would do that, and she would not arouse suspicion. It only worked once, which may or may not have been good for her. In this case, it was good. Very good—but it would not be so good later.
"Now, all I have to do is wait until Vru wakes up…" She had barely spoken the words when she heard a stirring nearby. Vru raised himself on one arm groggily and happened to look over at Gaira, who did not move. The Unconscious spell had worn off completely by this time and Vru leapt to his feet and rushed over to Emyll and Gaira.
"By Goddess Akamure! What happened?" Vru knelt next to the dead Gaira and looked at Emyll, who was sniffling.
"Oh—Vru! It's all so terrible! I tried to stop him! I really tried!"
"Stop who? Emyll, who killed Gaira?"
"There was … there was this … sniff … man … and he said … if I didn't give him … five thousand keiries, he would … he would … kill … Gaira!" More fake sniffs and sobs. "And I didn't … have … five thousand keiries … and I told him that … and he … and he … he … killed her!" Emyll's performance was quite convincing, even without the memory-loss effects of the Unconscious spell she’d cast on Vru. She pretended to weep uncontrollably, and covered her face with her hands—although this was only because she didn’t want Vru to see that she wasn’t shedding any tears.
"Did he say his name?" Vru asked. He didn't see through Emyll's act; it was that good.
"Of course not, you idi—I mean, no! He didn't *sniff* say his name. But he did say that … he would be back. I want him dead, Vru!" Emyll looked at him with pleading iceblue eyes. "I want him—dead!"
"Let me see your sword." Vru's eyes were equally iceblue, as were all the Mala'hekians' eyes.
Not having any blood on the sword to condemn her, Emyll gladly handed it over. It glowed bright yellow for a fraction of a second upon leaving Emyll’s hands and being placed in Vru's. This did not warrant any suspicion as all the Mala'hek swords did that. If the other person was evil, the yellow glow would stay and the sword would become hot and unwieldable.
"Hm. Nothing, as far as I can see. Emyll, what did he look like?" Vru handed the sword back to Emyll and she stuck it back in her sheath.
"We—ll," Emyll pretended to think hard for several moments, "uh, he had … blue skin, and blue eyes … oh and his hair was long … and he was about four feet tall”—four feet was considered rather tall—about equal to six and a half feet on Earth—"aaaand, um, he … he was wearing a green tunic … which clashed with his skin. Blue-skinned people should not wear green, in my opinion."
"Never mind your fashion qualms," said Vru. "Was he riding a horse?"
"I don't know."
"It wouldn't be too hard to figure out. Think, now. Was he on top of a large, four-legged creature? If he was, then—he probably was riding a horse, now, wasn't he?" The corner of Vru's mouth rose in a small smirk. But Emyll didn't notice, as she was staring past Vru to whoever had just come up behind him.
"VRU! IT'S HIM! THAT MAN KILLED GAIRA! KILL HIM NOW! KILL HIM!" Emyll's piercing shrieks reverberated in the forest. Vru didn't look at the man's face as he grabbed Emyll's sword that she handed to him and plunged it blindly into the intruder's stomach. Then Vru's blinding rage disappeared and he saw the Mala'hekian he had killed.
His brother.
---------
BTW, Emyll's name is pronounced "em-EEL", not "EM-ull."
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Date: 2008-08-28 12:31 am (UTC)The first thing I would recommend is trying to get into the viewpoint of your characters more. In order for readers to feel as if they are "inside" the story, the story should tell things through the eyes of the characters - the ones to whom the story is happening. The characters in this story may live on a different planet from Earth, but they have no more reason to think about that than humans have to think, "We live on a different planet from Mars." As such, nobody in the story should say or narrate anything about how this unnamed planet relates to Earth, and nobody should say or narrate anything about how the planet's people are different from humans. Similarly, while the country these people live in may be named Mala'hek, they shouldn't refer to or think of their countrymen as Mala'hekians all the time; they have no reason to unless they are considering their country in relation to a different country. These people especially would have no reason to, since they aren't even aware that there are other peoples in their world. To them, another person would most likely just be thought of or referred to as "a person", "a man", "a woman", etc.
The things that need to become clear about these people - that they think they are the only ones on the planet, that they live on a different planet from Earth, that they all have blue skin, etc. - should come out naturally as you tell the story, rather than in a completely objective exposition at the start of the story. Such an exposition tends to put distance between readers and the story's world and characters, rather than drawing them in. If those details are truly important to the story's plot, they should end up becoming clear when they have to anyway.
This is a slightly different viewpoint issue, but it's also best to choose one character per scene and tell the story through their eyes. There's nothing wrong with changing viewpoints from scene to scene, but changing in the middle makes the scene a bit choppy and makes it harder to get an impression of who the characters are. Here you switch between the viewpoints of Vru, Emyll and Gaira fairly frequently. I would suggest just sticking to Emyll's viewpoint, since it seems to dominate, and getting into the other characters' heads later. Also, while sticking to that one person's viewpoint, be careful not to say things that person wouldn't know, like what another person is thinking, what will happen in that person's future, things that person can't see, etc.
I think that was all the long-winded advice I had, but here are a few smaller points that bugged me:
She would have flown away, but in her panic, had forgotten about her wings.
It seems that in this world, everyone has wings for all or at least most of their lives. I would expect them to be so used to them that forgetting about them would be similar to humans forgetting about their legs. Gaira's freezing up in a panic would make sense, but not escaping because she forgot she could fly seems a little more strange.
Emyll's performance was quite convincing, even without the memory-loss effects of the Unconscious spell she’d cast on Vru.
This is a pretty minor point, but this line contains some redundant explanation which makes it a bit more laborious to read than necessary. The reader already knows what kind of spell was cast, on whom, and by whom, so the line can simply read something like,
Emyll's performance was quite convincing, even without the memory-loss effects of the spell.
Beware of cases where you may be needlessly stating something the reader already knows. Repetition isn't necessarily bad though; it can be quite useful for adding emphasis and so forth. Here's a similar point:
He didn't see through Emyll's act; it was that good.
It's apparent from Vru's behavior that he doesn't see through her act, so there's no need to say it.
That was everything that struck me, I think. Again, sorry this got so long, but I really hope that at least some of this is helpful to you. Keep on writin'.
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Date: 2008-08-28 01:04 am (UTC)I also never thought about the fact that Gaira forgetting about her wings would be like a human forgetting their legs. I'm actually laughing at my own mistake here. ("Oh, THAT elephant in the room. I thought you were talking about the one hiding behind the couch there.") Must change that. Freezing up in a panic does sound good, but she also "back[s] away and slip[s] on some wet leaves" so I'm not sure which to change. Or she could freeze in a panic after slipping. I think that would make sense, right?
I'll also fix up the other repetitive points you mentioned. Originally I'd had Vru actually fly away when Gaira yells at him to get help, but when he comes back he doesn't guess that Emyll killed Gaira when it was fairly freakin' obvious, especially since he saw her with her sword out, attacking Gaira. So I changed it. Oh, and he also came back alone which also didn't make sense considering Gaira had told him to get help.
I'll have to think about the story starting out with Emyll's viewpoint. I think it would be interesting, as she is (as is fairly obvious) the villain. (My favorite type of villain too--hot-tempered, sneaky, manipulative, and sarcastic. She's my favorite character to write.)
I don't know whether I said this before, but the first two chapters are actually based on a short story I wrote when I was about thirteen. Except that in that story, Gaira was the villain and her name was spelled Gyra, except that everyone pronounced it with a soft G and it's a hard G. And she's the one who kills Emyll, not the other way around. But the rest of the plot is very similar.
If chapter 1 has a lot of mistakes, the rest of the story probably does as well... sigh...
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